All day long, I get emails from Democrats. Democrats running for president, Democrats running for office in Illinois and Democrats I've never heard of running for all kinds of offices in states I have absolutely no interest in like Iowa, Montana and North Carolina.
They all beg me for money. They stoop to conquer my credit card.
It all started when Barack Obama took on Hillary Clinton in 2008, which I thought was a noble cause. I got very excited when he turned out to be a very viable candidate and every time he sent me an email asking for money, I'd send him a donation.
I was like a Pavlovian dog.
Which added up to a lot of donations. And I have a ton of "free" Barack t-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs to prove it. Not to mention a framed invite to his inauguration on my piano. He was the best at rewarding those of us with quick-click fingers. And he won, which was the best reward of all.
Barack, that little weasel must have shared my email address with every Democrat seeking office ever since. Or else he wrote my email address on a men's (and women's) room wall that all the politicians use that said, "For a good donation, send her an email. She's hot."
The emails I've gotten since then have been getting quite novel, if not totally ridiculous. Too many describe how the world is literally coming to an end "because, did you see what Donald Trump just tweeted?" Sometimes I go to his Twitter to check and sometimes I just take their word for it, that the world is coming to an end. But one thing they want me to know is, if I send the sender a dollar, I will, without question, prevent the end of the world.
You don't say!
Isn't that something?
And if I ignore it, they know. Because another email from someone else gets generated that accuses me of ignoring the first one. Then they'll send a third that accuses me of ignoring the first two, and then another accusing me of ignoring the first three.
With the names of the previous senders mentioned--big stars like Carole King or retired has-beens like Madeleine Albright are sometimes one of the multiple senders--finally someone really mean and insulting with no social filter at all will remind me that I haven't coughed up yet, even though three superstars from the political and/or entertainment world have asked.
The cleanup batter is usually James Carville, who says something on the subject line like "Hey, you dope, give us some money, you cheapskate. For God's sake, Nancy asked, Carole asked and Madeline asked. Send us some dough, ok?!?!"
Nothing happens if I ignore that one. It just starts all over again with three more superstars from the political and/or entertainment world who ask me for a dollar or more..
Speaker Nancy Pelosi or one of her colleagues like to tell me--sometimes many times a day--that something Trump just said or did has humiliated Nancy. The subject line will say something like, "Nancy is totally dissed and insulted and crying in her soup."
If I want to restore her self-esteem, get her to stop crying and feel better about herself, all I have to do is send her a dollar. But if I'd like to send more--and the boxes to check go up and up and up to bigger numbers--I can make her feel a whole lot better.
The only politician who asks for a reasonable amount of money to save the world--or Nancy's feelings--is Illinois' US Rep. Jan Schakowsky. And it might be because of me. I once told her fundraiser how insulting it was to get emails that describe armageddon on our doorstep that ask for anything less than $250. I think she may have taken that advice to heart. Jan always starts the bidding much higher than everyone else. I've never known her to ask for just a dollar for anything.
Maybe she just has more flush donors on her email list. Who knows?
Presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris of California, who I can't stand, and about whom I've written a somewhat scathing, albeit informative piece--which can be read here--sends me several emails a day asking for donations. She often uses the subject line, "Let me explain."
Quite a come-on. Let me 'splain is how I always hear it when I read it, though.
But it's just a tease. Usually she just wants to explain why she needs more money. Gobs of it to beat those 20+ bums who are trying to deprive an overzealous career prosecutor of becoming president of the United States when the DNC promised her for two years now that that's exactly what she would become. No sweat.
(You might call no questions asked about a lack of qualifications the Trump effect, or maybe even the Trump Doctrine--since NO ONE seems to consider anybody's qualifications on the Dem side in this election.)
But she got swindled because of those two-bits Biden, Bernie, Warren and on occasion Buttigieg, whose single digit poll numbers are often better than Harris' single digit poll numbers.
She especially resents that vicious and scary (actually sweet and thoughtful) US Rep. Tulsi Gabbard from Hawaii who, during the second debate, called her out on many of the rotten and unethical misdeeds she committed as a career prosecutor--things that really and truly hurt people who were victims of the mean and heartless ways Kamala Harris did business, the goal of which seemed to be keeping innocent people in prison.
(By the way, the minute Gabbard did that, I sent her a donation.)
But the only thing I'd like Harris to explain--and if she did, I might even send her a donation--is this: why did she, as a young woman, date a California guy every bit as bad as our very own Fast Eddie Burke here in Chicago? And that guy would be San Francisco's former mayor (among other things) Fast Willie Brown, 30 years her senior and married yet, and not ever no way going to get a divorce, he told the public, at the same time he was having his office raided by the FBI many times over. Just like our Eddie has.
He appointed Harris to two do-nothing commissions from which she took in $400,000. And fast Willie introduced her to all the right people in La La Land who thought she was just ducky and who gave her a lot of donations to elect her a prosecutor many times over--and then a senator in 2016, in the same election that Trump became president, after which she immediately began running against him.
And now she says she's going to prosecute the case against Trump. Which makes people swoon. But wake up! The only reason she says that is because that's the only thing she knows how to do: be a prosecutor. If by some miracle she wins, I bet she'll have fun prosecuting Putin, Xi, Assad and Kimmy-boy Jong-un, as well. Although most politicians have no interest in prosecuting anyone but their political enemies.
Anyway, getting back to all those sappy phony emails asking for donations, I often wonder if people really think these phony pols sit down at their computers several times a day, click on their sucker contact list and write an email straight from their cringeworthy hearts.
I hate to burst your bubbles, suckers, but those emails are written and put out en masse by professional email writing fundraisers via bot-type technology. They try to capture the politician's personality, as well as our attention, to sell us a little snake oil to go with our penny stocks, our quick weight loss potions--and our reverse mortgages that we may have bought via a very convincing game show host moonlighting as a reverse mortgage salesman.
I sure hope I didn't humiliate you and hurt your feelings by telling you all this, my fellow citizens. If so, let me know and I will gladly send you a dollar to make it all better.
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