The 12 A**holes of Christmas

On the 12th day before Christmas, my real life showed to me:

• 10 Tailgate Drivers: I know you’re in a hurry to get to the mall or get home. We’re all in a hurry. But I’m already doing eight over the speed limit, so please, “JUST.STOP.IT.” Oh, and when we’re on an icy entrance or exit ramp, stop flashing your damn lights at me while your bumper is within a half inch of mine.

• 9 Ninja Runners: Listen, I think it’s great you’re running to stay healthy and you get extra points for being out in December. But have you considered – oh, I don’t know – maybe wearing something besides all black and choosing to run at a different time than pitch black times of day like the morning commute or nighttime rush? I just about have a heart attack when I see you appear out of nowhere and think how lucky you are that I am not a distracted, texting teenager.

• 8 Online Trolls: In case you haven’t noticed, the world kind of sucks lately. Please don’t make it worse by excoriating anyone who doesn’t agree with your opinion or resort to name calling and belittling. I don’t care what side of the issue you’re on -- you don’t hold the moral high ground when you scorch the earth around you in the comment section.

• 7 Supermarket Stinkers: Don’t we know the rules of the grocery store by now? Don’t block up the entire aisle with your cart while you just stand there and try to read your list or compare prices. When you’re putting your groceries on the conveyor, can you at least wait until I am finished loading all of my items on there and not, you know, ram the back of my ankles with your cart? Mmmkay, thanks.

• 6 Uncivilized Shoppers : Everyone here wants to find that perfect present for a friend or loved one. So, can ya not let your toddlers scream their head off for 20 minutes without attempting to quiet them? (Hey, I had four kids, all of them with big lungs and short attention spans in public places, so don’t think I don’t know what I’m talking about with cringe-worthy behavior). If you’re going to have a big problem at the checkout counter, like a complicated return or price check, do you have to do it right when there are 20 people behind you in line? And in the parking lot, please only used the handicapped parking if you or your passenger are actually disabled. The world thanks you.

• 5 Fricking Politicians. Stop it. Stop lying, stealing, hiding, deleting, degrading, generalizing and all around making us less happy, secure, and safe. Is this the best we can do? Goodness, we have almost another year of mean-spirited digs ahead of us, too, before the dust settles next November. (Special memo to the state of Illinois: figure it out. People are getting hurt thanks your power jockeying and cutthroat politics that have delayed a budget deal for nearly six months.)

• 4 Fancy Braggers: Oh look – according to your Facebook post and Christmas card, you are just The Smartest, Most Athletic Family Ever. I don’t mind looking at your photos of tropical sunsets, but can you not check in every single time you go out to a fancy restaurant? We’re all proud of our kids and like to share our pride and happiness from time to time, but like Santa, make your list and then check it twice before sending or posting.

• 3 Greedy Kiddos: When I was a kid, I was happy with Suntan Barbie as my big gift. I’m pretty sure my mom, a Depression-era child, was happy to have
a doll or a set of marbles. It’s great you live in more affluent world and I know you’re in general grateful and thankful for what you have, but the three-page list and triple-digit price tags are over the top. Revise, please.

• 2 Boorish Business People. If you’re in customer service, isn’t it Service 101 to not yell at the customer or, maybe, just pay attention to them when they’re looking for an open register? In a business-related email, can you please refrain from snarkiness and outright hostility? And if you’re just entering the workforce, yes, you have to work 40 hours a week and bonuses aren’t guaranteed. You don’t get a lollipop every time you accomplish a task nor should you throw your lollipop on the ground and stomp on it when you have to go back to work after the staff holiday lunch.

…..And the Jerks Who Say They Hate Christmas. This isn’t the most wonderful time of year for everyone, we get it. But do you have to complain how much you hate Christmas, like, all the time? Here’s a glass of spiked eggnog – now go and be quiet until January, when you can gripe about the snow and lack of salt on the roads.

In the real spirit of the season, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all, and here’s hoping the world gets a little kinder – or at least a little less uncivil – next year.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: holidays, Humor, opinion

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  • I love your blog. I really do. It makes me laugh. But, on this one, I have to comment -- please know I say this respectfully. This post comes across as a bit hypocritical. In your #8 you say, "Please don’t make it worse by excoriating anyone who doesn’t agree with your opinion or resort to name calling and belittling. I don’t care what side of the issue you’re on -- you don’t hold the moral high ground when you scorch the earth around you in the comment section." Yet, this entire *online* post is filled with name calling, and many of the things you mention are simply things with which you don't agree, such as how people exercise or post about their lives on social media, or even talk about Christmas (I find it interesting that you are complaining about people complaining.) Please don't think I am trying to be rude -- that is not my intention, but it was something that struck me as odd, and I wanted to mention it, only for the sake of healthy discourse (if that is ever possible, online).

  • In reply to Mathew Powers:

    Thanks for the comment. I get what you're saying, and I went back and revised my column a bit, taking out words like "morons." I wrote it very quickly after being fed up with rude people on the road, in the mall and online (where discourse has really run off the rail recently, on all sides), and I didn't realize how it could be taken as hypocritical. The point of Miss Mind Your Manners is to call out rude people in a way that is funny yet just a little cutting. Thanks for your input -- it made me think!

  • Oh, and when I was writing about people who exercise, I'm getting at those who are causing potentially dangerous situations by jogging at night or in the early morning in the middle of the street wearing all black. That's a pretty specific complaint, and I don't feel it's over the top, because I honestly have been scared to death by people who don't run safely.

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