Would you date a person with kids?
I never thought I would have to answer that question, but then one day I found myself marrying a man with a child. It may not seem like a bad thing, but when you're young and don't want any kids of your own, it can be an interesting situation.
The past few days I've been hearing conversations about dating people with kids. I've heard the topic on the radio, TV and in person. The most recent case was on 103.5 kiss FM where they were talking about who the F would ever date Kate Gosselin because along with Kate, comes the baggage of not one, but 8 freaking children.
What kind of Saint would willingly walk into that type of situation? Oh, I know some of you family people are saying only horrible people wouldn't accept beautiful little kids into their life, filling it with love. That's horse manure. Here's what 8 kids is going to bring to your life: a loss of money, dirty diapers, yelling, screaming, sleepless nights, fighting, no privacy, no time for yourself...the list goes on and on. And feel free to multiply that by 8 equaling divorce.
I remember something my husband once said when we started dating. He said I was such a wonderful woman for looking past his child and still wanting to be with him. That all the women previous to me were horrible because they couldn't accept his child.
But is it really that horrible to know what you want out of life....and try to get it?
If a woman knows she never wants kids in her life because she would rather spend money lavishly and travel the world without a care in the world, how can you possibly blame her?
And for men, it can be an even harder choice. If a man dates a woman with a child, chances are that the child is living with the mother. So badabing badaboom--instant family. That's a lot to take in...especially if you aren't sure if you want a little bundle of joy of your own.
For a woman dating a guy with a kid can indeed be a simpler situation. Just to stereotype, most men don't have full custody of their children..most get the "every other weekend" visitation. Some women are willing to deal with that, and they're willing to deal with the huge loss of money due to child support. Others are not.
I just hope everyone really thinks it through before dating someone with kids. It's not easy. It's not all fun and games. Truth be told....
1. you will fight about money
2. you will fight about the kid and the kid will likely annoy the shit out of you and disrupt plans
3. You will have baby mama drama
4. If the child lives with the parent, you will NOT come first in their life.
I'll be totally honest, if my husband had a baby with someone he dated, I wouldn't have stayed with him. There would be too much emotional baggage. If he had full custody of his child, I wouldn't have stayed with him either. I just wouldn't be happy living another person's life. I want my own.
It may sound harsh....but if you know you don't want something in your life....you have every right to make a choice about it.
So just do me a favor, before dating someone with kids...think it through long and hard. Situations vary greatly...but it can grow into a messy resentful situation if you aren't ready to have a full blown family.
JENNYMILK
Here's an interesting article about the topic: Don't date him if he has kids!
As you can see, I'm pretty passionate about being "Childless by Choice". Usually people who don't want kids take a lot of crap from people who do have kids. They think we're selfish and mean people because we want a certain lifestyle. When in all reality, we are doing what is best for ourselves and for the kids. Because if we don't want kids and would be miserable raising them, what kind of parents would we be? What kind of life would that child have?
So to learn more click this link: Childless by Choice
And for anyone else out there who thinks I'm a horrible person for writing this when I married a man with a kid, you can kiss my booty. I love the kid. I love my husband and everyone involved makes the best of the situation. In fact, I'd say we are pretty lucky.
Indications are that the Octomom is unmarried and has 14 kids, but apparently a man (in the sense of sexual intercourse) was not involved. Someone would not want to be involved with that.
Besides that, an issue you imply is how involved the date is with the ex, as well as the kids. I wouldn't go on a date with someone who was a divorcee from a doctor with two teenagers and living in the doctor's house. That person had too much on her plate to be bothered with another relationship.
Of course, the reason for the other kid may have been because daddy was Johnny Appleseed, and appeared on Maury several times, and you don't want that.
As implied by the Octomom comment, I've always said that if I want a kid, I want to be at the conception.
To be honest, I never really thought about being a mom. I guess that's why I know it's not for me.
As for my husband's kid, she's got a mommy and two daddies, so lucky for me, I just get to be "cool Jennymilk".
Yeah, if there was any sort of baby mama drama, or a past marriage or any sort of relationship, I would be running for the hills. Not the kind of situation I'd like for myself. But it looks like a lot of people make it work for themselves..so that's good.
Would I seek out a Mike Brady in the dating world? No. But the fact is you can't choose who you fall in love with. (If you could there wouldn't be any romantic comedies.) If you love someone enough, you work with situation, even if it is not what you would have involved in your own fairytale. If that kind of work and compromise isn't worth it to you, then you probably don't really love the person like you thought.
A person's priorities are their own business and prerogative to make them what they want. That being said, you cannot lump all situations as "bad" or "won't work" because of some pre-conceived notions. And notions, I might add, you yourself have proven are not always accurate, as you married into motherhood. And, as you said, happily.
Flexibility in your life does not mean giving up on your dreams, it means deciding what truly just makes you happy. You can't *really* say for sure what you would or wouldn't do until you have the choice standing in front of you.
You said that perfectly.
The only thing I would disagree with is saying I married into motherhood.
Truth be told, I only see the child a few hours a month..which really doesn't constitute a mother. well, a good mother.
She has a biological mother that takes care of her 24/7.
I just married her dad and am her friend. And to me...I'm not a fan of the word "step-parent" unless that parent is actually raising the kids in the same house.
Thanks for reading! :-)
JennyMilk
I hope the kid can't read. If so, he/she will probably make it a point to really annoy the shit out of you now. Or course you have the right to choose your own course in life. As a divorced father of three (two teens and one 19), I can say you should screen out potentials who are looking for a substitute mother, if you don't want to play that role. That's not something I was looking for and have been lucky enough to have found a partner who gets that.
Right now she's really into giving me massages and making me smores. So hopefully this lasts...that or I'm moving far far awa.
Also, I'm super glad husband wasn't looking for a mother substitute. He doesn't have her full time, she's got a full time mommy and step-daddy, so I don't really need to be involved at all in any of the kid things.
and lucky for me...he gets that.
"she's got a full time mommy and step-daddy, so I don't really need to be involved "
I guess that's the difference. In the situation I mentioned, I don't think the ex was going to send her teenagers back to the doctor. So, a distinction has to be made between dating a mother and father.
Sorry, but for me, a 'single mother' is a major red flag. While she may be a wonderful woman, she's looking for a paternal surrogate as much as a spouse.
Fathers have enough drama with their own kids, and certainly don't need the additional theatrics of the inevitable 'you're not my father' showdowns.
I tend to agree with you about the single mom thing....to generalize, most moms have full custody of their kids, which is a lot more work than having weekend visitations like dads usually have.
So with that full custody, any man that walks into that picture is going to have to live with the children, and inevitably take care of them.
Which is why I think the situation is harder for me and somewhat easier for women..because I can marry a man with a kid, but not have to automatically have a built in child.
http://youtu.be/vt2i0ts-uck
i love it