Weighed Down by Grief Over She Who Is 'Weightless'

In the Name of God: The Compassionate and Infinitely Merciful Beloved Lord

I first heard it while listening (for the tenth time) to Disney's "Pirate Fairy" movie in the car. Towards the end of the film, they play Natasha Bedingfield's song "Weightless," and it is a very catchy tune. I looked up the lyrics, and they are as uplifting as the song itself. The most profound part of the song is the chorus:

The sky is the limit
And I just wanna flow
Free as a spirit on a journey of hope
Cut the strings and let me go
I'm weightless, I'm weightless

Millions of balloons tethered to the ground
Weight of the world tries to hold us down
Cut the strings and let me go
I'm weightless, I'm weightless

My Lord, there is so much I can write and reflect about just the chorus: how the "weight of the world" and its delusions, temptations, and estrangement from our Beloved "tries to hold us down." And all we have to do is "cut the strings" of the world's delusions and become "weightless" to fly to the Lord our God and His love and light. I could go on and on.

But, invariably, thoughts of my daughter came to my mind when I heard this song. She died almost five years ago, losing a battle with lymphoma. And it was these words in particular that truly affected me deeply:

cut the strings and let me go
I'm weightless, I'm weightless

As soon as she breathed her last, the "strings" that kept her "tethered to the ground" were cut, and she truly became "weightless." She was not just such a beautiful little girl, but she was truly a beautiful soul. So kind, so sweet, so bright; she brought my wife and me so much joy, so much happiness.

But she was "tethered to the ground" by disability - she had a terribly crippling disease called Ataxia-Telangiectasia. By the time she was ten, she could no longer walk. She was "tethered to the ground" by chronic infection - she was on antibiotics every day for two years prior to her cancer diagnosis. And she was completely "tethered to the ground" by her cancer, which ravaged her poor, little body from the very moment of diagnosis.

The chemotherapy, with all of its poisonous side effects, also completely "tethered her to the ground." And I know she felt "held down" by the "weight of the world," because she would love it when I would spin her around in my arms. I could see on her face that she felt free. I loved those moments.

And when our Beloved decreed that He wanted her back with Him, I know that the "strings" that kept her down were finally cut, and she was finally free to "flow/Free as a spirit on a journey of hope." She was finally free of disease, cancer, pain, misery, and disability.

But she left behind a father who was devastated; a father who is completely weighed down by the grief - horrible grief - of her loss. It's so hard to be strong all the time. I don't want to be sad all the time; it is not fair to all those around me and to those who depend on me. And, as a believer in and servant of the Beautiful Lord, I should be happy when He gives me moments of happiness.

Nevertheless, my heart is still smothered by the pain and constriction of her loss. Sometimes, I can't even breathe, and I am quickly overwhelmed. It doesn't take much to bring the sadness over the horror of her loss up to the surface.

On the one hand, I'm happy that the "strings" that held my baby down were cut. I'm happy that she finally became "weightless", and that she could finally fly like she always wanted to do.

But, I'm not happy that she is gone. As she flew away to her Lord, she left behind a father who was - and still is - ravaged by her loss; still screaming out in terrible pain; weighed down by a sadness that no one should have to bear.

Lord! Beloved Lord! I am not complaining, but sometimes I have to let it out. Lord, Beautiful Lord, You know the best how much my heart hurts; how much my soul shakes from grief; how much I miss my baby. Lord, Beautiful Lord, I have been blessed with so much good after her loss, but - and You know best - the pain of her loss has not gone away. I know, my Lord, that she is now "weightless" with happiness; "weightless" in Your Garden; "weightless" in Your Presence and Light.

But, she left behind a father weighed down by the horror of her loss. Lord, Beautiful Lord, please tell my baby that her Baba misses her so much. Please tell her that her Baba can't wait to see her again. Please tell her that her Baba loves her so very much. Please tell her that her Baba loves her so very much...

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