In the Name of God: the Infinitely Compassionate, Beautiful, and Merciful Beloved Lord
There is something about the song, "Clarity," by Zedd that has grabbed my soul...much more than the great music and beat. So much can be read into the lyrics: is it a song about forbidden love? Tragic love? Romeo and Juliet? It can be all of those.
Yet, for me, the line that grips my heart is this one:
You are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need
When I hear it, I can't help but think of my daughter, who was born December 30 and lost her battle with lymphoma June 7, 2009. Yes, we have had good times since that sunny, yet horribly dark, day in June; yes, we have been blessed with two children - including our only son - since that terrible day; yes, you can see me frequently smiling out of the genuine happiness of the moment.
But, underneath the smile - always there - is the constant pain of having lost my first-born baby. I have tried to be strong since her death; I have tried to be the comfort for others in my life, especially my wife, who I know hurts so much more than I do because, no matter how much pain I feel, it pales in comparison to the pain of a mother having lost her child. But, it has been so hard.
There is hardly a day that goes by when I do not think about my Booboo: her beautiful smile; her gentle nature; the way she would warm my very soul with a touch of her hand. There is hardly a day that goes by when my heart doesn't ache for her absence. There is hardly a day that goes by when I do not to want to scream out in terrible pain from her loss. But, I'm trying to be strong, and it has been so hard.
Enter this verse: "You are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need."
It brings up so many mixed emotions about the death of my child. She - as any child is to their parents - is a piece of me. Losing her was like tearing a piece of my heart out of my chest. Do I really wish I didn't need her? Absolutely not. I am so happy that she came into our lives. I am so very grateful that the Lord gave me those wonderful years together.
Some of the best times in my life were when I would walk into a someone's house carrying her in my arms (because she could no longer walk). I knew that people felt sorry for me. But, I swear before the Beautiful Face of the Beloved, I was the happiest I could ever be.
And when I think about those times, and the fact that she is now gone, it hurts so very deeply. Thus, she is the "piece of me I wish I didn't need." But, when time goes by, and it seems that her memory becomes more and more distant, that pains me, too. I don't want to ever forget about her. But, the more I think about her, the more it hurts.
"You are the piece of me, I wish I didn't need."
On December 30, she would have turned 17. She would have been a Junior in high school, and what a beautiful Junior she would have been! But, by the Lord's Will, she is my Junior in Heaven. And though I live each day with the searing pain of her loss, I know that she is in a much better place, where there is no cancer, no pain, no suffering, and no loss. My Lord promised me that she would be waiting for her mother and me, at the gate of Paradise, so we can all enter together. Beloved Lord my God, please let that come to pass.
And, my Beautiful Beloved Lord, please give my Angel the most heartfelt "Happy Birthday" from her Baba. Tell her that I love her so very deeply, and that I miss her so very much.