I Would Do It If I Could...

In the Name of the Compassionate and Infinitely Merciful Beloved Lord

So many songs, throughout the ages, have had verses saying that they would "walk 1,000 miles" to do this or that. In the song, "Hey There, Delilah," the narrator sings: "A thousand miles seems pretty far/But they've got planes, and trains, and cars/I'd walk to you if I had no other way." In Vanessa Carlton's song, "A Thousand Miles," she sings about the same thing:

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

Yet, I wonder...would we truly do it? It's a nice platitude, but I ask myself all the time: "Would I really do it?"

Would I really "walk a thousand miles" for the sake of the Lord? Would I really "walk a thousand miles" for the sake of my career? Would I really "walk a thousand miles," which is over 38 marathons, for the sake of someone else? I have to be completely honest with myself and say, I really don't know.

Yet this I do know: I really would "walk a thousand miles/If I could/Just see" my beautiful Pink Angel, who went back to her Lord four years ago today.

Ever since that dark, yet sunny, day in June four years ago, my heart has carried a huge burden of a deep, boring pain that will never truly go away. Ever since that day, my soul has cried out in pain, reeling from her loss. Indeed, there have been good times. Thanks be to the Lord, we have been blessed with two beautiful children since her death, for whom we are eternally grateful.

Thanks be to the Lord, I have not been paralyzed and consumed with grief, due to the amazing ability of human beings to forget. Yet, still, the pain of her loss will always be with me, because there is no greater pain than the loss of your child.

And so, when the narrator of Vanessa Carlton's song sings:

If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight

It touches me so very deeply in my heart and soul because, I truly would do it. I would "walk a thousand miles" if I could see my Booboo again; if I could be with my Booboo again; if I could hold her close to me, have "gyros with extra sauce" with her, watch "Finding Nemo" with her. If there was some way that I could see my beautiful Angel again, I would "walk a thousand miles." I would walk much more than that.

It is so true when the narrator of the song continues and sings:

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories

I do wonder if my Booboo does think of me, for I always think of her. And it truly is "so wrong" that my baby now only lives in my "precious memories." But, that is what has happened, and I have to live on. Yet, it still hurts, Lord. It hurts a lot.

Now, I know that, one day, we will be together again. I know that. Yet, that still doesn't make the pain any easier. It doesn't take away the fact that my wife and I have to live each day with the ache in our hearts at having to live life without our beautiful first-born daughter.

But, even though whenever I hear the phrase "I would walk a thousand miles," I carry doubt in my heart if I would really do it, this time there is no doubt, whatsoever. If I could just see my Booboo; if I could just hold my Booboo, I truly would walk a thousand miles.

Beloved Lord, please tell my Booboo that Baba loves her so very much. Please tell my Booboo that Baba misses her so very much.

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