Summer is the best time of year and after seven months of winter there is simply no room for seasonal allergies or aggressive sniffles to get in the way of being outdoors. If your nose has been a problem in June and July, here is some advice to help turn things around in August.
My nose is by and large the least effective part of my body, which is frustrating because it doesn’t have a very complicated job.
Two tasks: Smell things and assist in the breathing process.
Compared to the other parts on the face, that is no pressure at all.
Eyes and ears were handed the biggest responsibilities. The mouth—upset that it didn’t get assigned vision or hearing—signed up for all the remaining duties. Talking, eating, breathing, smiling, kissing, biting, you name it, I’ll do it!
The nose showed up drunk, an hour late for this strange hypothetical face meeting and was assigned to just sit in between the useless cheeks.
Nose: So what do you guys do?
Cheeks: Well, nothing for the first 13 years of life, then we collect acne for the next eight, then just kinda hang out for a few decades and THEN we can start adding wrinkles.
Now, the nose is lazy, but not that lazy so it asked for at least some sort of assignment. This is when the sense of smell was created, a throw away sense like one of those vague committees in congress that’s looking to put together a playoff system in college football using solar energy.
This isn’t to say all noses are useless. Some people get a lot out of their nose. That guy at the jazz club going on the five-minute trumpet solo? That nose is there in the clutch to take over the breathing responsibilities.
Not the case with my nose. We have the worst working relationship. If I walk by any sort of pleasant smell, my nose operates at about 20 percent capacity. However, when someone farts or I walk by a garbage can or a skunk dies a smelly death by the side of the road, that’s when my nose perks up. Hey Chris, check this out!
On the breathing side, I have a perpetual stuffy nose. In the winter it’s fine because it’s cold and who really needs an extra source to breathe in -10 degree air. I like the yearly flu I get right after Christmas, kind of nature’s way of shedding the fresh 10 lbs of Gates BBQ brisket.
But summer time, that is no time for a stuffy nose. I want to be out riding a bike, walking through the park, playing basketball, but my nose is full of excuses and goes into allergy mode.
Or if there’s a dramatic change in temperature, you know when it’s 85 and sunny then 55 and rainy the next day. Well that flusters my nose, and in comes a nagging cold that never gets severe but just kind of lingers for a few weeks.
If these #NoseStruggles (currently no one in the world has ever tweeted this) sound any bit familiar, I want you to take a couple deep breaths (through your mouth of course) and prepare for some medium rare advice.
Allergies – don’t take anything
Disclaimer – all medical advice in medium rare should be taken with a little less than a grain of salt. The general medium rare medical philosophy is this - the tips are so crazy, they might just work. Proceed carefully, consult your doctor, keep it real.
Consider taking a stand against your allergy medicine.
This doesn’t apply to peanut, lactose or any other food allergies when there is legitimately some sort of science going on in your body.
I’m referring to allergies that are just the nose being a killjoy. Being allergic to dogs, cats, pollen or Christmas trees is not your fault. That’s your nose wanting to ruin the day.
Taking allergy medicine is like always buying the box of cereal for the child throwing a temper tantrum. Plus, when you buy allergy medicine in the post Breaking Bad world, every drug store has to run a background check to make sure you are not planning on building a meth empire.
Put your foot down and try going medicine free. First few days are awful, but by the end of the week the nose gets tired of fighting and you can enjoy your pets without sneezing on them.
Onion Trick – secretly works if you don’t think about it too hard
Got a summertime sadness cold?
Try cutting a few onions in half and placing them around your bedroom.
The legend on this is back in 1919 there was a flu epidemic that killed millions of people. During this time, a doctor ran across a farmer who was using this onion strategy and asked, “Hey can I look at the onions under the microscope?” The doctor looked and the onions were packed with bacteria, meaning the onions acted as magnets for all the germs in the air.
I put this strategy to the test and after a day I started feeling better. Could that have been the Nyquil? Maybe. But I think there’s something to be said for the onion approach. As Shrek said, "Onions have layers" and with all those layers a lot of germs can be trapped.
The problem is the experiment was thwarted after day one when Ashley asked, “Why does our bedroom reek?”
I believe the onion trick works. Not in the scientific sense that it actually works, but in the placebo heavy, if you are willing to believe the onion can act as a magical germ-gathering orb, then yes, it absolutely works.
Yes, it’s a disgusting method. And yes, it’s a risky move to do in public, but ultimately the snot rocket is the Brazilian wax of nose treatment.
Blowing your nose only gets the top layer. The snot rocket is the only way to attack the roots. If you have never used the snot rocket method before, first of all I think you are lying, but if you really haven’t, find a nice secluded spot outside and give it a try. You will never have a more clear breath of air than the first breath after a snot rocket.
Still get extra rest, drink water, take a bath in chicken noodle soup. Use all of these tried and true methods, but consider adding these new strategies to your playbook and you may find they can be somewhat helpful to noses that don’t want to be helped.
More Medium Rare
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Filed under: Health