5 reasons why I hate glitter

I know what you are thinking. Only five reasons?


While glitter is a year-round fixture in households like mine dominated by young children, the points of entry definitely multiply during the holidays. Christmas cards, tree ornaments, school art projects, gift bags, bows and Advent calendars seem to be the preferred vessels which transport this evil into my home.

Before you call me a Scrooge and remind me that hate is a strong word, please hear me out. I have five very good reasons for detesting the stuff.

1. Glitter is sticker than glue. I am not a chemistry expert but glitter appears to exhibit crazy adhesive properties that rival or even exceed those contained in glue. It sticks to everything. Try washing it off and you will see what I mean. The bonding agent in glitter also has an uncanny ability to strengthen when placed on a toddler's face.  Once I even found some stuck in the corner of my son's eye. Good luck getting that off.

2. It multiplies at an exponential rate. Forget about mixing Gremlins with water, putting glitter on pretty much anything is way worse. It gets everywhere. I think simply touching it creates more. As a result, there is no such thing as glittering within the lines or keeping it confined to a piece of paper. It goes way beyond its intended surface. I have even found it in my kids' diapers, which meant is also ended up on the changing table. In terms of the difficulty of cleaning glitter off their butts, refer to reason #1 above.

3. I am pretty sure glitter's half life is longer than plutonium's. I know, science has not proved this to be true but give it time and I promise you someone will test my hypothesis and confirm it. When I cleared off all the counters in the process of staging our Connecticut house to sell to move here, there was only one thing left: glitter. I don't know if it was from an art project my son made at school (because you know a bottle of glitter is nowhere to be found on my kids' art table), old Christmas cards, or even from the previous owner. Or maybe all of the above.


You may have to look closely but let me assure you there is plenty of glitter on that paper towel

4. There should be a picture of glitter next to the definition of 'static cling'. The stuff really seems to gravitate toward any form of plastic. For whatever reason, the year my son was in Kindergarten the art projects seemed to be particularly glitter-centric. It clung to the bottom of his backpack and even to the inside lining of his lunch bag. I tried wiping if off but it wouldn't budge. I even tried vacuuming it out. No, still there. Right now my daughter's preschool clear plastic take home folder is lined with it and has been for over a month. I have recently discovered glitter also likes to cling to granite counters. See the glitter on the paper towel? That was after my third swipe off the counter today after opening Christmas cards and a box topped with a big, red, glittery bow.

5. It is quite possibly the thinnest substance on Earth. Glitter's sneakiness can be attributed to its thin figure. It can populate tiny cracks in tile grout, crevices in my fingerprints, the spaces in between floor boards, those unreachable places in the high chair, and more. If I had to guess, I would say the thickness of one piece of glitter is a fraction of a nanometer.

Sure, I could come up with more than five reasons but I have more pressing things to do right now, like cleaning that crap up.

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Tags: humor, parenting

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