Gwyneth Paltrow can kiss my sweet Chicago a$$.

Gwyneth Paltrow is not a friend to the working mother.  And yes, I know, she is a working mother herself, as she reminds us all the time, but still, she is no friend to the working mother.  We have a long history together, Gwynnie and I, that you can read about here: 

http://marytylermom.tumblr.com/post/3116163258/oh-gwyneth-my-gwyneth

Today I'm cranky and feel like barking at someone.  This week I had my fourth miscarriage, so forgive me my need to bark.  Grrrrr.  Gwynneth seems like a good target.  Put your seatbelt on, darlings, it's gonna be a bumpy ride . . .

Gwynnie has her own working mom's blog called GOOP.  It's all things Gwyneth all the time.  That means it's white and privileged and completely unaware.  IMHO.  She writes about lifestyle - - that elusive thing that JCrew and Banana Republic markets to the masses.  For Gwyneth, who breathes a more rarified air than I, it's that elusive thing that can be purchased in stores I don't have enough money to allude to, let alone shop in. 

Recently she wrote about visiting her "bf" in Chicago. (It is my belief that adult women should not refer to their "bf."  Ever.)  It was a whirlwind trip that afforded her just enough time to recommend four hotels, five "shops," or what most of us refer to as stores, and twelve restaurants.  Schwa, over on Ashland, is described as, "so punk rock that they don't even answer the phone."  And yet, somehow, our Gwynnie managed a reservation.  God bless her.  And also, the joint is so punk rock it serves a nine course tasting menu.  Um.  Yeah.  I don't think that's so punk rock.  A punk rock nine course tasting menu would be a case of Old Style missing three cans that were thrown at the band. 

Gwynnie also deems Q at 1160 N. Dearborn, "By far the best bbq in Chicago."  Shut the front door.  This bitch doesn't have a clue.  The best barbecue (and yes, Imma take the time to type that word) in Chicago is not to be found in freaking River North.  One teensy tiny critique she did make was that it was "meat heavy."  Are you freaking kidding me, Gwyneth?  Who in their right mind sits down for barbecue and refers to it as "meat heavy."  Hell to the no.

And then there are her few brief words about Barney's Chicago.  God forbid you confuse it with Barney's New York.  In this piece meant to highlight Chicago, dear Ms. Paltrow demonstrates her achievement in putting down those who on the surface she is celebrating.  Truly, she is gifted in the art of the backhanded compliment.  She writes about Barney's selection, "A huge plus, because Chicago tends to be more conservative [sic:  pedestrian, bland, parochial, provincial], is that you can actually find runway pieces, as they tend to disappear lightning fast in New York."  Bitch. 

Moving on, folks.  Theres a bunch more GOOP, or as I like to say, CRAP, about "gastropub fare" and "authentically modern" decor, kitchens as "laboratories" and Italian winter outerwear.  Blah, blah, blah. 

Go home, Gwyneth.  Go home to your rock star husband and your kids with odd names.  Go home to New York or London or LA or the Hamptons.  Go home, dear, we don't want you here.  Here in Chicago, we'll eat our barbecue on the south side and furnish our homes at Ikea and be happy.  Bitch.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Tags: Chicago, Gwyneth Paltrow, Q, Schwa

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  • who?

  • Mary Tyler Mom, I <3 you.

  • Oops. That was supposed to say I love you.

  • Hellz to the yeah! That woman makes me cringe. You're the second mommy blog I stalk that wrote about Gwynnie yesterday. She wrote about how Gwyneth wrote in her blog about the essential 6 outfits that everyone should have...to the tune of over $18K! LOL As if even a small percentage of us can afford that shit. Please!
    Keep on rockin', mama! You're an inspiration. :)

  • She's no Uma. I think you set her in her place.

  • "meat heavy" bwahahahahahaha. Just found you, Mary, and I love you. Carry on.

  • That is freaking hysterical. The last Goop I read they had her in all these new spring looks...and she was in a casual dress that was $1500. Add in the Stella blazer and shoes, bag and necklace it was like 3 grand for an outfit. Really? Then the Goop facebook page started posting all these affordable things....so I am sure they got a little crap from people about it. Cheers and thanks for a good read. PS. Sorry for your loss.

  • I'm sure a post will be coming from GOOPY about how she had to cleanse her colon after the "meat heavy" food. I just found you and you are hysterical, I'm bookmarking you. Sorry about your loss, I suffered two myself. Glad you have an outlet, you've got a great voice. Off to read your past columns.

  • Lol, so sick of the clueless, rich and famous, bragging about Motherhood. With todays economy you would think she'd show some class and not remind us how we are lacking in materialistic bullshit! sigh...

  • My first time reading and I love you. I HATE the nonsense that GOOP and Gwynnie think is reality. She hasn't a clue about reality. She makes me wretch. Oh. . .and my dear Gwynnie. . .it's f-ing barbeque, of course it's "meat heavy". Ugh.

  • I unsubscriped to GOOP awhile ago, couldn't take it anymore. We have enough reasons to feel inferior, Gywn doesn't have to rub it in.

    I'm sorry for your loss. Writing seems like it is therapeutic for you.

  • Dear Gwynnie-poo....Come down here to the south and describe barbecue as 'meat heavy'. I dare you.

    Dear MTM....can I subscribe way down here in Flor-I-DUH? ;-) I'll be your BFF 4 EVA!

  • Thanks for reading her Goop (aka Crap) so the rest of us don't have to! Is she even from this planet?
    P.S. She probably doesn't have to pay for all that stuff, she gets it for free by putting it in her CRAP blog.

  • I'm a mother of four, I work and babysit a nephew on my days off. Not a superstar by any means, but compared to that diluted media whore, I.AM.AMAZING. Thanks for making me feel better about my self today :) I may be broke and live in a shoe box, but I like my crappy tee shirts and my booger faced children. Maybe she could come spend a day with one of us and see how being a REAL mom works.

  • I love this post (and I swear to Zeus, I have G-free, vegan GOOP oatmeal raisin cookies in the oven as I type this). GOOP, you use this word "bbq." I believe it does not mean what you think it means.

    I must be punk rock as well. I never answer my phone either. Me + Schwa = One in the same.

  • I am sorry about your miscarriage. I hope this rant helps you feel a bit better. :)

  • @MTM are you on twitter or facebook so I can know when you post? since i don't live in chicago, chicago now is not a regular pitstop of mine in the interwebs. if not, hope they are paying you well cause this cali mom is hooked. i saw the post via Moms Who Drink and Swear too.

  • I've got a mad mom-crush on you, MTM! This is a beautifully worded smack-down, and I heart you.
    I want to say this real quick though. Gwynnie, of course can kiss my ass, but I'll take me a slice of her sweet-ass hubby. (To go, of course!)

  • I have four kids less than three years apart. Two have ADHD, once is autistic and ADHD. I will loan my children to Gwyneth and THEN she can write about being a "working mom". I'll even let her have their meds.

    Let's see her wear a 3K outfit then. lmao

  • Finest kind; I'm bookmarking this blog. Thanks for putting Madame Paltrow in her place (and you're quite right: her place ain't Chicago, and she obviously doesn't know A from B flat about barbecue). Most of The Condescending Rich And Famous think of Our Town as being part of "flyover country" -- what you cross to get from NYC to LA or vice versa. That's just fine by me; just makes for a cleaner, quieter, less pretentious city, as far as I'm concerned.

    That said: please accept my condolences for your loss this week and take care of your health. I wanna read your writing for a looooooong time...

  • Amen, MTM! Even though I'm child-free, I get tired of these privileged, moneyed moms perpetuating the "you can have/do it all" myth -- yeah, with their nannies. Yes, we all have our problems, but spare me her bellyaching.
    My condolences on your loss this month. Hang in there.

  • OMG - I LOVED this! You ROCK, MTM! Ms. Paltrow has pretty much bugged me for awhile now, and you really hit the nail on the head. What a condescending twit. Like her reality has anything to do with any of us who are mere mortals!

  • As a working married MOM for two decades, I often felt like I was the only married woman left who actually had to work and contribute to a household. Now as my children are grown, and I am still working, I can at least say I taught them WORK ETHIC! Forget you Gwenneth. Even after busting my tail since 1990, I still can't get ahead of my bills. Barney? Please. If you want to be a "Celeb Mom" fine, but don't compare yourself to a "real working mom".. we have a budget.

  • Rock on!!

  • Thank you, thank you. I can't believe she shows up on travel/food shows sounding so pompous and condescending. Gack. Thank you for articulating what so many of us feel when others talk about their struggles being a working mom. Try being a working mom who can't afford a babysitter for a single night out, much less a friggin' nanny!

  • nicely put....Cali is full of twits like Gwynnie....or Sanjay GOOP-DUH. Bravo for calling her out, she ain't got nothing on us.

  • Is that Barney's Chicago or Barney's NY??? ;)

  • Awesome. Can's stand her, never could. The next time I hear her screech on the radio, someone's gonna get hurt.

  • Just found your blog and I love it! As a Chicagoan living in CA, it's nice to read some Midwestern sensibility. Thanks!

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    This was great! G is like the physical manifestation of everything that makes me feel like a rotten mom, so we have a love hate relationship.

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    After reading this (and the linked post), you have a new follower. You nailed it. And her. She's such a douche!

  • Holy smoke, I just read her review of Nashville. I have never even heard of any of the "shops" she recommends and I have lived here 20 years! I cant term it any better than Missy above me so eloquently puts it; she. is. a. douche. What I did like about the review were the places that Reece Witherspoon, being a Nashville girl, recommended to her. I not only know these places but I love them! Reece should do a blog called shut the fuck up Gwyneth, and I GUARANFUCKINGTEE that Gwynnie didnt step foot in Tootsies! And for the love of everything holy who uses the term mixologist?? Really? I'd like to recommend D&D Gwynnie, a little beer joint that I like to go to every now and again. You can ask the "mixologist" for a "delightfully refreshing alcoholic beverage" and then get your ass kicked.

  • I FRICKEN LOVE YOU! HA! Eat shit Gwinnie!

  • The woman lost me when she mentioned barbecue as "meat heavy." What the hell else should it be? That's like calling my adopted city of Los Angeles "douchebag heavy."

    I love you, MTM. Great post!

  • "A punk rock nine course tasting menu would be a case of Old Style missing three cans that were thrown at the band. "

    Oooh! This was just what I needed today.

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    I'm late to the party but oh, this is soooooo fantastically brilliant...do you think Gwynnie has read it? hmmm........too occupied with her busy mothering schedule, I am sure. thank you for this wicked bit of levity even during the unfathomable pain you have endured. ♥ "meat heavy" <<---- CACKLE!

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