Fantasy Football Victory for the Grasshopper and Kim Kardashian Doesn't Even Care

Update on my fantasy football team: Mad Men. The team has completed their 2013 regular season and ta daaa…they won the League championship – alone in 1st place with a 13-1 stellar record. (Lost the first game – damn.) Note to Chicago Bears Coach Trestman: Call me anytime for pointers. Headed into the “playoffs” this weekend. This is serious fun!

I know, I know, no one gives a flying fig about the illustrious “Mad Men” judging by the underwhelming response to my last post about the team. But, humor me – let me brag – keep reading…thank you, because it gets more interesting.

Guess who’s fantasy team is also Champion of his league. Yep, My Highly Competitive Sports Guy has also claimed first place.

Wouldn't it be great if we BOTH could win our playoff games and were BOTH the Super Bowl (equivalent) winners of our respective leagues? That would definitely be a champagne chugging event.

All right…I guess so – but what would be even better than that? If my team won and his didn’t.

I should say that I didn’t mean that and I take that back. But, seriously...wouldn't that be a great end to our friendly rivalry? Fingers crossed and voodoo stick pins in my Jay Cutler doll (HIS quarterback).

Admittedly, I have been doing a number of victory laps this week, proclaiming in a “sing song” voice…”My record is better than yours”. Even though we both finished in first place, I know my team’s record was better. I know this because he won’t tell me what his team record is. Duh.

In response to this – he has proclaimed that he is like the Kung Fu Master or whatever, and I am like the lowly “grasshopper” student who has achieved near perfection (13-1 hello) only through his patient tutoring.

Translation: He is taking credit for my big win just because I may have occasionally asked his advice on who to play or trade or blah blah blah.

Isn’t that what smart people do? Pick the brains of the really subject specific smart people. Nothing wrong with that. If I didn’t tap into his sports brain – I would have to read all those sports columns, and memorize all those boring statistics and watch all those shows with the blabbering sports guys not only saying the same thing over and over but showing the same clips over and over. Spare me.

And, besides, My Guy LOVES it when I bat my eyelashes and humbly ask for his valuable advice and opinions. It goes something like this:

“Oh great and Mighty Master and Knower of All Things Sports – your humble and grateful Grasshopper student would like to pose a question and benefit from your endless wisdom and knowledge. OK - I am exaggerating, but you get the idea. Then, insert question such as…Do you think I should get rid of Michael Vick who is on my bench and has been out for most of the season?” and wait for the respected response.

The Master will then give me a Zen-like nod followed by his profound and impressive answer which I definitely always go with – why not? He knows a thousand times more about all of this craziness than I would ever even want to.

The reality is that I do not mind kissing up like this if the end result benefits me – I am a woman, and that’s what we do sometimes. Calculating, maybe a little manipulating, but OK. It’s just Fantasy Football people.

Besides, it’s not like he makes every decision for me. Hardly. I usually when in doubt – just “ask the internet”. We all know that you can ask the internet anything and you will get thousands of directions and info and opinions and blah blah blah. I google these players all the time. It's simple. Google. Google. Google.

By the way, I just heard some comedian state that Kim Kardashian was the most googled celebrity in 2013. And then he added that’s because everyone is googling, “Who the hell is Kim Kardashian?” Sorry, I digress. But, wait – let me test that.

My Sports Guy is in the kitchen, pouring his first cup of coffee – kinda groggy – not yet focused. Nevertheless, I ask, “Honey, what do you know about Kim Kardashian?”

Predictably I get a very blank stare and nothing.

I repeat, “Kim Kardashian – you have heard of her right?”

Now he is thinking and manages to come up with the very observant fact that…”Uh, I don’t know – big boobs?”

Does Kim Kardashian have a Champion Fantasy Football Team?

Does Kim Kardashian have a Champion Fantasy Football Team?

“Yes, that’s correct. Anything else you might know about her?” I’m rightly convinced that this will be the end of this conversational topic.

“Nope, that’s all I’ve got.”

All I can add to that is, “Maybe you should google her.” Join the crowd.

Of course he gives me the “The Look “ that means, “You are out of your mind, but I am not going to continue this conversation, I am going to drink my coffee and look at the Trib Sports page online – OK?”

Coach Grasshopper (yours truly) has some line-up decisions to be made, then some voodoo rituals need to be performed, while glued to the set watching the play action – it will be a white knuckle weekend. And then there is “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, maybe we can fit in a couple of episodes in between games. Yeah right. Go Mad Men.

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