Cheese Grater Hats, Wine Bras, and Plastic Totebags for Soldier Field: Must Have Football Accessories

The Cheese Grater Hat has arrived. In response to the always fashionable Cheesehead Chapeaux (a large wedge of foam cheese proudly worn on the heads of scores of Green Bay Packer fans), rival Bears fans have been spotted as Cheese GraterHeads. This visual is self explanatory and hysterical one-upmanship.

Green Bay Packer Cheesehead

Green Bay Packer Cheesehead

Last night we were watching the Bears take down the Packers (woohoo) at a local Chicago sports bar and the crowd was going wild. Then the TV camera diverted from the action on the field to the crowds in the stands at Lambeau Field. It zoomed in on several raucous Bears fans.

“Look at that, look at that,” I yelled as I grabbed My Sports Guy by the arm.

Bears Fans are Cheese GraterHeads

Bears Fan are Cheese GraterHeads

He missed the camera shot because he was focused on yelling out plays to the Bear’s quarterback du jour, Josh McCown. My Guy has taken on the role of the Offensive Coach from afar, and he takes his job very seriously.

I’m watching the game, but all that my entrepreneurial mind is fixated on is, why didn’t I think of that? Cheese Grater hats. This is a definite money maker for somebody. I wonder if it’s copyrighted. These could be sold in every town that plays against the Packers – especially in Chicago when the Bears host the Packers in December.

You can bet that Bears fans will be plunking down bucks to be Cheese GraterHeads in Soldier Field.

Speaking of Soldier Field, there are new regulations regarding any purses, bags, etc. that are brought into the stadium. They must be clear plastic. Consequently, this necessitated my purchase of an NFL approved see-through tote complete with Bears logo (no common gallon zip lock baggy for this fashionista).

Apparently, it was difficult for security to poke through those thousands of bags searching for stuff not allowed. Now, the clear plastic will make that so much easier. No problem. I don’t care if everyone has a clear view of the endless amount of items that I compulsively feel necessary to bring to a football game.

Such as a full range of cosmetics and assorted toiletries. I usually equip myself with the same amount that would be needed if I were stranded on a dessert island for a year. In addition, extra apparel, hand warmers, Kleenex, various sun glasses, reading glasses, rain parka, notebook, pens, combs, wallet, phone and more.

This drives My Guy crazy. He insists that I do not need any of this and I should bring nothing. That would permit me to go into the much shorter, faster line for people without bags. This, of course, will never happen. He is delusional.

Oh, and I forgot, my little plastic bottles of chardonnay wrapped inside a scarf. KIDDING. This is not allowed and, of course, I would never smuggle in anything that was not allowed. Absolutely not. (Besides, easier to detect through clear plastic.)

This brings me to the next novel accessory. Now, if you recall my campaign to get not just beer, but also wine sold in the stands at Wrigley Field, you will certainly agree that this is just as big an issue at Soldier Field.

The beer drinkers are catered to – the beer comes to them.

The wine drinkers, or those who would prefer another libation, must constantly “excuse me, I’m sorry, excuse me” past the increasingly annoyed fans in their row to squeeze out and invariably continue up or down the stairs, through the halls to get to the booze vendors, where they have to stand in line, make their purchase, then schlep and squeeze once again to get back to their seat, all the while spilling.

Now, of course, I am just throwing this next accessory out there for amusement, just for LOL sake. Although, this would be the perfect solution to the problem - one would never really utilize this at a stadium. It would not be allowed. However, with that caveat in mind, take a look at this:

TaaDaaa…The Wine Bra aka The Wine Rack. Details: holds approximately a full bottle of wine (25 oz. or 750 ml) A bargain at $29.95.

THE WINE BRA

THE WINE BRA

When I first saw this product, I thought – genius. If a woman would want to wear this (not me, of course), but another daring, rule breaking, wino woman – she could avoid the treks through the crowd, waiting in line, and save some major bucks to boot. Yes, she would enjoy the same luxury the beer guzzlers have – not having to leave her seat.

Although, while processing the mechanics of the device, i.e., to “fill up” at home and then the gradual “siphoning” at the stadium, I contemplated the fact that the depleted “cup” might leave a gal with a wrinkled up and unshapely contour. Would you have to make sure you siphoned evenly, so as not to be lop-sided?

Not a problem. Upon further reading, the Wine Bra people have this covered. Simply blow into the tube to inflate. Those puppies will totally hold their shape.

One other thing, for a gal already (naturally) somewhat endowed – the Wine Bar will add considerable additional size. Think about it. Hmmmm.

So, as I am rereading the Wine Bra ad, my Sports Guy walks into the room. I’m silent as I am absorbing info.

“What’s going on?” he asks as he realizes that I am obviously engrossed in something.

“Nothing, honey,” I say, as I look up – and then I decisively add, “I’m going shopping.”

“Ok,” he mumbles, and then asks, “For what?”

“New Bears t-shirts and jerseys,” I say.

“But you already have a lot of Bears stuff,” he states with a hint of suspicion.

“I know, but I need to get larger sizes, and don’t ask me why.”

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