Memo to Complaining Wrigleyville Residents on Cub's Latest Proposals

I am so sick and tired of whiny people living near Wrigley Field bitching and moaning about the Cubs and their enthusiastic fans. The crowds, the noise, the lights, the bars, the traffic, the parking, the litter, it never ends. There have always been these curmudgeons, scowling and bitter, ranting about everything that they vehemently hate about living in Wrigleyville during neighborhood meetings and in letters and emails to their alderman.

Let me very simply, calmly and logically state my case:

Wrigley Field: Erected in 1914
Home to Major League Baseball for 99 years
Home to the Chicago Cubs for 97 years

Now, my very simple questions to the complainers:

How old are you?

Did you move to the neighborhood before 1914?

Did your Realtor forget to tell you that the historic Friendly Confines were around the block from your newly purchased dream home?

Didn't you kinda sorta notice that your new neighborhood had hundreds of bars and restaurants that cater to the 40,000 plus fans that swarm the area before and after the 80 or so home games played each season?

So if you hate the hoopla that the Cubs inspire in your lovely neighborhood - WHY THE HELL DID YOU MOVE THERE?  What were you thinking?

You must have known what you were signing up for - the roaming crowds were clearly visible. And yes, they might inadvertently step on your tulips.
They might even pee on your lawn. A lot of beer and nature calls. The hawkers selling their tickets, peanuts, tee shirts and caps. The police on horseback.   The kids tirelessly drumming away on their inverted buckets.

Seriously? You had no idea?

The Ricketts want to spend a fortune on improving the stadium and the surrounding area. And yes, they want to add a few more night games. So what? They are successful business people and Saturday night games sell. Besides, the Cubs pump hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars into the local economy and provide thousands of jobs.

Now in the midst of all of my mental venting and fuming, I turn to My Sports Guy, a die-hard life long Cubs Fan and ask, "Honey, do you want to move to Wrigleyville?"

I definitely have his attention. He is giving me The Look. More than surprised by my "out of the blue" question.

"Are you kidding me?" He says. He is excited but cautious.

"Yes, I am kidding you," I admit. He turns away. I enjoy messing with his mind.

The truth is that he would love, love, love to move to Wrigleyville. The noise, the crowds, the bars, the whole scene - every game day would be a party, not to mention the bonus concerts and football of late.   He would do it in a heartbeat.

So, listen up whining complainers - you are obviously not happy, so here are my suggestions to resolve the horrible mess of a place you have managed to move yourself into:

OPTION NUMBER ONE:

Lighten up. Change your attitude. Have some fun.

Swing at a few balls at the batter's cage at Sluggers.

Go to Captain Morgan's and have a rum and coke.

Sell your parking spot and make a few bucks.

Take the kids to some games.

Sit in the bleachers, and buy them some peanuts and cracker jacks.

Hang out with Ronnie Woo Woo.

 

OPTION NUMBER TWO:

Shut up and deal with it.  You chose your bed...

 

OPTION NUMBER THREE:

Sublease your place from April to September, and make October an option (just in case). There are plenty of eager Cub's fans
that would jump at the chance to move on down to the North Side from their comparatively uneventful neighborhoods. I am sure
your new tenants will happily replant your flowers as they are trampled, and even hose down your sidewalk in the event of a
vomit mishap by the occasional over served fan.

OPTION NUMBER FOUR:

Move.  Pack it up and move permanently to some quiet far out suburb where the weekly garbage pick up is the only action on the
streets.

But wait, I have a better idea. Call your Realtor. (You know the one.) Tell him or her that you want to move right next to O'Hare Airport.

Make sure that you get the name of your new alderman - those planes can get pretty noisy and you're going to
need to do something about that.

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