Why women need more than sexy lingerie to get in the mood (& have a fulfilling sex life)

Listening to a radio talk show yesterday morning, I heard a sex expert talking about what women need to do to feel sexy and have a more fulfilling sex life with their partner. The topic was presented well and provided good tips on how to do just that, including how to spice up a relationship. Something that was not mentioned by the expert-that I thought was imperative to have discussed, was the fact that for women it takes more than buying sexy lingerie to feel sexy and get into the mood. Did she forget that when it comes to sex women need more than just a sexy gift from Victoria’s Secret?  I think she did.

Women are busy creatures. We like to take care of everyone else’s needs and then ours, so it’s not a surprise that after having a long day at work, running errands, or after a busy day at home with the kids, the least thing that many women think about is sex. Some do, but the majority only think about going to bed and rest; unfortunate because sex ends up on the list of chores, rather than being something that can be enjoyed and planned (romantic or date nights, anyone?)

Buying sexy lingerie -as the expert mentioned and burning the ugly pajamas are a great idea to begin the ‘I fell sexy’ journey, except that a lot more work needs to be done for women to get into the mood and start living a fulfilling sex life. That’s what I did not hear during the show.

It is well known that women are very different from men when it comes to sex; you’ve probably heard that men think about sex over fifty percent more than women in a day; I know, kind of old news and not shocking at all, just a friendly reminder included in a study published in 2013 by the Ohio State University. If right at this moment we called our spouses and asked them to come home for a special and sexy lunch, they’d make it home sooner than we can blink; for men (a majority) any time and any day works when it comes to sex. On the other hand, for women, other things come into play-and in the way-before we are ready to be sexy and get in the mood. Chances are that if a woman got a call from the husband in the middle of the day asking her to come home for a ‘special sexy lunch’, she’d probably ask if it could be turned  into a ‘special sexy dinner’ because there are meetings to attend, things to get done at work, and definitely many things to do at home before dinner...it would just be difficult to drop everything off. That's how a woman thinks, I think...

So if not sexy lingerie, what do women need to get into the mood and start having a fulfilling sex life? Many things, but there are a few that if done, can definitely help...maybe? For women, the moment has to be right, the environment has to lead to that. It is not just a switch ready to be turned on to instantly get in the mood. I’m not saying that it cannot be done or that things out of the blue don’t happen (once we get a sight of the person we love, and the smooching and whispering starts, there’s no need for a switch, things just turn on, right?); all I’m saying is that for women it takes more than wanting to do it, not just having sexy lingerie. There need to be specific moments in the day that will build into a sexy situation, for instance, a day with less stress at work, less chaos or chores the moment we walk into the house, or just a little bit of extra help and understanding from the loved one. We know that these things help because for women, all the right emotions have to be in place at the right time. No anger, not too much stress, no thoughts about what needs to be done the following day; anything that would create a space in our minds so we can start fitting in the thoughts and actions of wanting to be sexy and get into the mood more often, so we can start working towards having a (more) fulfilling sex life.

Women are also very emotional creatures (no kidding!) that's why we also need to feel an emotional connection to spark sexual desire, thus if we are mad at our spouse for any reason, chances are we won't be in the mood to smooch them. According to Edward O. Laumann, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of the survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, “Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.” In the same study, he confirms that women appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well. If we think about the average women that has a zillion things happening at once at home, with work, spouse, kids and family, then it’s definitely not the optimal environment that will lead to getting anyone in the mood, not to mention other issues that women face that make it difficult: body image, lack of life or work balance, problems with the spouse and more.  It will not matter how many sexy lingerie pieces we own or are given, nor how many tips we hear about in the radio; if women cannot consciously make an effort to start doing things that will lead to having a healthy sex life, again, no sexy lingerie is going to do the work.

So if being inundated with sexy lingerie is not doing the work, there’s still hope. Even though there are many factors that have to be in place for women to get to a point where they can begin to enjoy their sex life, it needs to start somewhere, and if spending some dollars at Victoria’s Secret is going to be the starting point, then so be it.

A show where a sex expert talks about what to do to feel sexier may not be the perfect and only answer to getting in the mood, and although the show did not cover much more than those tips, I liked it and wish other women had had the opportunity to listen to it.

For those women enjoying a fulfilling sex life, obviously, let’s keep it going; we know sex is a healthy way to release some stress and a perfect way to bond with your spouse; for those that need a bit of work, let’s get on it because although lingerie may not be the the only answer to the husband’s prayers, it is certainly a great beginning for women to start taking control of their sexual health.

 

Filed under: couples, Marriage, married, sex, women

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