My Saturday as a Reality Show Script

I have been neglecting my blog.  This is because I have been torn between the every-day existence that seems too mundane to write about and the aspects of my life that are so surreal that I am unable to find the words to express them.

Fortunately, I was flipping through the channels of the ol' basic cable today and I landed upon a "reality" show called "Wahlburgers"  and I learned that nothing is too mundane to put out to the public.  You simply have to apply the requisite number of exclamation marks and resist the temptation to EVER underplay ANYTHING... EVER!!

In the episode that was airing today; a friend went to the dentist, there was a fantasy football draft, and mom played a video game on her phone.

It was CAPTIVATING...apparently...because it aired on television (albeit A&E which now seems to program neither A nor E) and wasn't immediately cancelled.

Thus, I have determined that my life, too, is script-worthy.

Episode 1: Saturday from 2pm until 10pm

Me: (in confessional) 'So, on the way home from work on Saturday, I bought torilla chips and salsa at the Walgreens because I was craving them and decided that since I was having cramps, I was justified in eating them as a meal.  I hadn't eaten breakfast and I was STARVING!  I mean, REALLY STARVING!!!  Like a third-world child in a commercial but with nicer clothes because I had been at work and I live in a first-world country. I took them home and ate a lot.  Like, WAY too many tortilla chips.  And I watched the West Wing and folded laundry.  We had SO much laundry to fold.  And some of it had to be PUT. ON. HANGERS.  While EATING CHIPS!!

{shakes head incredulously}

That sh*t is NOT easy.'

{cut to Me eating a chip with one hand and trying to fold a child's shirt with the other.  I fail.  I make another attempt.  I shrug.  I toss rumpled shirt onto pile and take another chip}.

Me: (in confessional) 'I was going to do more housecleaning than I did.  I thought that since I have seen the first four seasons of The West Wing 30 or 40 times, I would be able to use it as background noise.  I was So WRONG!  I just SAT there and watched a bunch of episodes and only did about HALF the cleaning I meant to do.  I mean, Mrs. Landingham DIED.  AGAIN.  For the 37th TIME!  What else could I do?!'

Boyfriend: (in confessional) 'I would normally hang out with her on a Saturday night but I had plans to attend a concert with my sister.  She was FURIOUS.

Just kidding.  She didn't care.  She was watching the West Wing and folding clothes.

Do you know she once folded my UNDERWEAR?!  She folds UNDERWEAR!!  I called her and was like, "Did you fold my underwear??!!" and she was, like, "Yeah."

{pause while nodding head thoughtfully}

It was nice.  I don't generally have folded underwear.'

Me: (in confessional) 'I fold my own underwear so.....yeah...but not while eating an entire bag of tortilla chips because folding underwear takes TWO HANDS!  Seriously.

{stares meaningfully at the camera for a moment}

You know, you really can't fold that sh*t with one hand.

{more thoughtful reflection}

Eating an entire bag of tortilla chips makes you feel a little gross.  It wasn't one of those single-serving bags.

{pregnant pause while shaking head incredulously and looking thoughtful}

It may have been a mistake.  The chips...West Wing...all of it.  But it's too late now.

And the underwear was tossed in the drawer willy-nilly.  WILLY! NILLY!'

{cut to still shot of messy underwear drawer}

'Damnit.'

{Fade to black}

 

Stay tuned for information about next week's episode where I spend an hour on Sunday writing a blog about what happened on Saturday and lament the fact that some tortilla chips would really hit the spot right now but there aren't any and also the underwear still aren't folded but now they're in the drawer so I'm not getting up to fix that sh*t!!
Also, a bonus discussion about how Mt. Dew goes flat after a day if you buy the two-liter bottles but if you buy the 20-oz bottles it's WAY more expensive per oz.
PLUS I think something bit me on my shoulder because there is a little raised area that itches just slightly.  It ITCHES....slightly.

 

 

 

 

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