Amazing Adventure #3: Post-Divorce Dating

This will probably be the first in a whole exploration of post-divorce dating because, honestly, I am still having a difficult time even imagining it.  I simply never would have fathomed I would ever be in the position to date again - all the way up until the morning he left I truly thought I had a solid (though flawed) marriage.  So this is weird.

I never had any problem with dating when I was in my 20's and 30's.  I was pretty good at it.  If I had been allowed to major in it in college, my GPA would have been much higher because it was really what I devoted most of my time and energy to.  Oh, man....I loved college.  But post-divorce dating...I feel a little like I'm through the looking glass here.

I haven't really done any actual dating since my marriage ended.  Well, I've done a little cyber-dating...if that's actual dating.  I don't know.  It's safer...and yet surprisingly precarious (which caught me off-guard) and intimate in a way that makes sense but that you wouldn't imagine if you hadn't done it.  It's certainly an adventure.

But actual dating with someone in my time zone - the normal kind where you go out to dinner and talk about yourself and try to navigate whether or not this is someone you want to go out with again and wonder whether or not he thinks you're an idiot, and anticipate (or dread) a kiss at the end of the evening, etc...  That there is an adventure I have yet to try these past 9 and a half months of singlehood.

I don't really meet new people much.  I hardly ever venture out except to school pick-up and drinks with my girlfriends and the occasional literary event.  I complained about my inability to meet men to a few friends and was told 1) you should try internet dating.  And also 2) whatever you do, don't try internet dating.  So...that's all really helpful.  I can't quite imagine putting a profile up on a dating sight but I would do it, probably, if I thought it would make for good blogging fodder.  I decided to jot down the list of my attributes I would advertise if I were to put myself on a dating site.  Here they are.  You tell me if you think this would work out OK.

1) I am 43 years old.

This is a big seller because it obviously means that I am a real adult.  It indicates very clearly that I am established in my career and have lots of money and own my own home and never struggle with youthful bouts of self-doubt and hahahahahahahahahahahaha.  ahem. Sorry.

2) I have two children.

This is attractive on two levels.

a)  It's a given that I put out.  No guesswork on that one what-so-ever.  At this point, what in the world would I be saving it for?  No.  Quite the contrary.  I'm giving it away for free...with a set of steak knives for the first 15 callers.

b)  Every man's dream is to end up spending lots of time with some other man's kids.  This is evidenced really clearly in nature books when you read about the many many mammals who will kill and eat the offspring of rival males.  Free meal over here.  That's alluring.  The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, they say.

3)  I gave birth to those children vaginally...from my vagina

I would think that this would spark men's curiosity.  People have issued forth from there?  Hmmmmmmm....what other wonders will I find down there?  Well, let me tell you - it's anyone's guess.  I haven't checked it out.  The top 3 guesses on my list would be:

a) Glitter.  It's everywhere.  They call that stuff "the herpes of craft supplies" for a reason.  I don't know for sure that it's there but it has been allowed into my home and, as such, it is almost certainly in my pants.  That's a general rule of thumb about most things.

b)  Moon sand.  Same reason as with glitter.  That stuff actually seems to multiply...like Tribbles. (See what I did there?   Star Trek reference.  That's a man-magnet right there.)

c) A scar.  Again, I haven't seen it but Bunny weighed in at a healthy 8.3 and I vaguely remember receiving the stitches whilst in a drug-induced stupor but still lucid enough to begin wondering why I didn't opt for a planned c-section.  It's gotta be a huge turn-on.  I'm a little curious myself as to what it looks like. Wait here while I go check it out.  TOWANDA!

 

I'm back.

4) I'm the custodial parent

This is awesome news for any guy.  I can go out on Tuesdays til around 9:30, Sundays during the day, and can do an overnighter on Friday. This means I won't bug him during much of the prime football-watching time.  Touchdown!

This is, of course, not to say that I can't go out at other times.  It simply means that those times are a little more high-pressure because I have probably spent 3 days searching for an available sitter and I am paying her a minimum of 40 bucks.  If I am paying for a sitter, I better get at least one of the following 3 things:

a) A dinner that costs AT LEAST the amount I will be paying the NU student who is watching TV while my children destroy the house.

b) A really, really good play (BOLD choice for only the bravest of men cause that shit is pretty hit or miss and bad plays make me irritable.)

c) Sex.

 

His choice.

 

Except I don't wanna see a play.

 

5)  I have absolutely no interest in commitment or monogamy

Guys would love that, wouldn't they?  It would be like dating another guy...but with girl parts.  But, seriously...I am, emotionally, a little bit all over the place.  I would never say never.  I know a lot can change over time.  But, to me, right now, the only plus side I can see to marriage is the gift registry.  Do you get to do a gift registry for a second marriage?  If so, I might consider it down the road.  But right now, I don't even know if I have the ability to really let someone in.  I don't understand the concept of making promises if you don't know for sure that they won't be broken.  Better to simply not make them.  Right?

That got heavy.  Dating is supposed to be FUN.  Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I think that looks like a pretty thorough list of my positives.  I imagine that if I were to put that on one of the two dating sites that are constantly sending messages to me: SingleSeniorsMeet.com and ChristianMingle.com, I would get tons of interest and hilarity would ensue.  Especially since I am neither a senior nor a Christian.  But they won't even care about that after they read my list.  And then I would pick and choose from the sea of handsome, available men who enjoy glitter on Tuesdays and I would put on one of my two shirts that are stain-free and I would go out on a date.  A date?  A date. A DATE.  A date.  A date.  A Date.  Date date date date datedatedatedatedatedatedatedatedatedate.  Date.  date.  date.

No matter how many times I write it, it never ceases looking strange.

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  • As an older college student in the 90's...majoring in Sociology and Anthropology, I ALMOST fully considered posting to a dating site in the most truthful manner possible (like you just outlined) to see what would happen...if it would attract a man with a sense of humor, and one who appreciated full disclosure. You know..."woman with muffin top, and precariously balanced hormones, seeks man..." "interested in long naps on the beach, huge, rich meals, and stretch pants...". My instructor told me that it wasn't "ethical" since I had no intention of dating. What a kill-joy. I was gonna write a fantastic paper about how I had not a single response to my ad. People ALWAYS lie in those things...why not lead with your faults...they're gonna have to deal with them if they stick with you, right? So do it...so I can watch vicariously.

  • In reply to MSW MOM:

    Right? Maybe it would work out much better if the negatives are all up front and the positives are what you get to discover along the way. Then every date ends up in serendipitous discovery instead of "Oh....man. She snores."
    By the way - I'm pretty sure I snore.

  • I've been told I snore...which is not the same as proof.

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