I don't want to want you to think I'm important. This is a mouthful, but probably more of a mindfuck because this sentence is likely making you spend a tad too much time on it. I'll put it into a more coherent thought momentarily.
First, I wanted to quickly mention a quick factoid. I have rebranded! As smart as that sounds, it's so not. It took me all of 4 entire minutes. When I first began this blog in 2013 (formerly The Magic of Writing), I went in knowing the title was tentative. I was previously running a blog called bastardsarentmassturds, but the wise Jimmy Greenfield, who until a couple months ago managed ChicagoNow, told me that I should probably avoid such a colorful title. I was doing my undergrad in creative writing at the time, so The Magic of Writing, although cheesy, was a good starting point. Since graduating in 2014, I think you could accurately gauge my mindset through the years, ranging from overworked-scared-shitless-about-ones-place-in-life person to bubbly optimist who thought the world was her oyster. The last year has brought forth a person after the knickers of happiness through candid thoughts and very real fears. My optimism wanes, and it wanes often. But I also have bursts of the same glass half full mentality throughout the moments when I talk about some of my struggles concerning my writing career or normal social constructs and expectations and what have you. I just retweeted something Diddy said: "As you get older, you really just want to be surrounded by good people. People that are good for you, good to you and good for your soul." This is true, Diddy. But I feel it necessary to add that as you get older, you also want to be more real and let the facade you worked so hard to build simply fall. Rebranding is my way of doing that. It is embracing the type of things I am inclined to talk about here as of late. I basically talk shit to and about myself (and sometimes unidentified others) but I like to think that I have a healthy outlook while immersed in self-loathing. Thus, Despising Yourself, Positively, is born.
So back to that weird sentence. I don't want to want you to think I'm important is a confusing way of saying that I don't want to convince you to think I matter. I think that's a double negative but it's still more straightforward than the former. In the same class and same time that Jimmy Greenfield visited, so did the amazing Amy Guth, who taught us a lot about social media and "taking what's yours." Through a formula she clued us in on, I wrote a quick little, snappy bio for my Twitter. That bio has changed over time. There was a point when I had no publications under my belt and the best I could do was say I could eat more than humanly possible (which remains, and will likely remain forever). Anyway, now that bio lists some of the biggest publications I can attribute to my name. But since I haven't published anything (outside of this blog) in about a year, I find myself wondering; how long can I milk these successes? Shouldn't it be enough that I know what I've done or do achievements only matter if they are visible to others?
Honestly, I thought that including them in my bio acted like a miniature resume for potential gigs and to help build a bigger community of writers. Now, because I feel undeserved or somehow dishonest because I am not actively publishing, I'm not so sure if I should keep these things on there. I know how small this conversation may appear because I'm talking about a 160 character bio on a social media platform in which a questionably innocuous blue bird is the logo.
But it's bigger than that.
It's about the story you tell about yourself when you meet new people. More importantly, it's about the story you tell yourself about yourself. And at some point, you have to ask yourself what you want your story to be. Because you know that when you're gone your great aunt Jemima is going to remember you for that one time you left the house without pants on and the story told about you for all of eternity will be as the girl who hated pants.
I don't want to convince someone that I matter in this type of context. Convincing someone they should hire you is different than convincing someone on Twitter or LinkedIn or whatever other true faceless avenue that they should take an interest in you because of what you have done or currently do. As I navigate through professions and simply (but not simple) life, I guess this is something that matters to me as I reassess where I am and where I hope to go.
Sometimes I do things just to prove things to myself. Like getting a pixie to prove to myself that I wasn't my hair or quitting a job that was great for my resume because I wanted to prove that gold experience on paper was worthless if you weren't happy. Changing a tiny bio is easier than these things. It's the larger, mental picture of yourself that's tougher to deal with. What's a bigger picture issue you struggle with?
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