I have no idea about life. If I was still 16 and you would have told me that I would be a scared human being still making a ton of mistakes at the age of 27, I would have 1. been surprised that I would live to see 27 because I thought I would die in my early twenties in a car crash, and 2. would have believed you when you said that I would still be lost.
People are always saying that being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be but non-adults won't believe you. Now I'm beginning to think that's because we don't ever truly become these mystical adult creatures. I did something really childish today, I stumbled (and by stumbled I mean actively searched for while telling myself, "don't do it") onto someone's Facebook page whom I used to date to see what he was up to. Not because I have feelings for him, mind you, but because he was in my dream (PG, I'm talking like Dora the Explorer PG) last night for some reason. Throughout the day I was thinking to myself that I am so not the proper adult if I can Facebook stalk someone at 27. This, of course, led to many other realizations about how unadult-like I truly am.
- I still suck at conflict resolution. When someone pisses me off, I still react the way I did when I was 16. I tell them to leave me alone, you fuckwad, then bury my head in some food, any food, all the food.
- I still suck at saving money. I can be saying I need to save money for grad school while contemplating where I'm going to order Chinese food from.
- I still scream when something scares me.
- I still don't have a career.
I look at the lives of strangers my age and marvel at their staggering ability to be gracefully "adulting." I look at the lives of my friends as well and maybe it's because I've known most of them for over a decade, but I don't look at their lives with envy. That is not to say they don't have awesome things going on, but as humans, we tend to look at those unlike us to compare ourselves to because we know little about them. We can construct an illusion about their exciting lives. How happy they are, how much money they're making, how many friends they have, how smitten they are with their partners, how utterly perfect their life must be...
The truth is, we have no idea.
I guess I'm considered an adult because of my age but I have no fucking clue how to be a graceful one. Do any of us? The CEOs of the world must feel uncertain sometimes. Our buffoon president is ancient and he makes like 5 mistakes a day (that we know of).
I don't know if I will ever feel like I'm getting it right and maybe that's ok; to know that you're going to fuck up now and then and not everything is going to be picture perfect. It's easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side but maybe we should just worry about our own damn lawns and improve ourselves as much as possible. Because that's what adulting is about, about getting better and digressing, about making mistakes then moving on. So let's make a mess like children and clean it up like adults, then have a drink because we're adults and we can.
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