I still wonder if I can go back there. To the time when I had just bought that massive laundry basket and was taking pictures of my constantly shedding kitten lying on a heap of newly washed clothes. His white and orange body lay directly over my sister's black yoga pants and even though I knew how pissed she would be when she saw, I sent her a picture anyway because it was precious and somehow satisfactory as if I had finally gotten my child to fall asleep after a night of restlessness. It was a feat. His left eye was rusty and gleaming in the image because of a clogged eye-duct that remained irritated until the day that he died.
A new kitten came into my life about half a year after his passing, a sort of pet for my pet because the brother (Timmie) of the cat that died (Tommie) I suddenly realized, was lonely without his best friend. I'd often wake up to find Timmie either cuddled up so close to me that he was practically sleeping on top of me or find him in some part of the house like the laundry room or kitchen staring into the darkness just, waiting. The only thing that would bring him out of the stupor would be my voice and I would collapse into myself and my maternal instinct was to grab him and plant his body over my shoulder with my left hand cradling his soft kitty bottom and I would just rock and pat him telling him that it was okay, it was okay, it was okay. I was really telling myself that. Really rocking myself back and forth, cradling my own being so that it wouldn't just fall apart and stop existing. The pain and loss and loneliness that he was feeling for his brother, I was feeling for my best friend, for a kitten that I treated like a child.
It's been a year and a half now since Tommie has been gone and I still tell my sister that I truly believe my life is completely different without him, that I am different without him. I have lost people close to me but never someone whom I saw almost every day, never someone who waited by the window or door for me hoping I'd walk-through any moment now.
I was panicking earlier this month, having a quarter-life crisis and wondering what happens when we die. I am no closer to finding that out than I was 30 days ago but I do hope that we see our loved ones again. I can't see why any universe would be so cruel as to let you meet the right someone like my Tommie and fall in love never to see them again.
So I can't wait to see you again, Tommie. I love you.
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