The funniest things I've heard (Part II)

People say a lot of weird but awfully hilarious things when they're wasted...or when they are sober when I think about my friends. I like to take the time to jot little tid bits and remarks down in my journal or in my phone when I hear them, so here is the latest batch of crazy that I have heard my favorite people say. Enjoy.

1. My conversation with my sister:

Her: "You know, if you were a man, I'd probably date you."

Me: Ew, what?!

Her: Yeah, I mean, because I think you know me really well."

Me-mouth agape

Her: "Oh, and you know, if you were't actually related to me."

2. Me: Well, when was the last time you came?

Friend: "Oh, girrrrrrl..."

Me: Dang, that long?!

3. Friend: "So, he was going down on me and he was flicking my bean too damn hard that I had to tell him to be gentler. I swear I thought I was going to have a stroke, I didn't want to go like this!"

4. Student: "This tie is too hard to put on, I don't want to wear it!"

Teacher: "Well I don't like to wear pants but you don't see me complaining.."

Class erupts in laughter that goes on for...well, days.

5. Me: Crap, I should've bought your dad a cup of black coffee.

Friend: But we asked him and he said he didn't want anything.

Me: Yeah but he wouldn't have rein.....jected it.

Friend: "Haha, you were going to say reinvented."

Me: Hahah, shut up! Let me explain to you what my brain just did within two seconds. I started saying reinvented and my brain was like, woah, that's wrong, give me a millisec here so you I can find a word you can substitute reinvent for that still begins with the prefix "re" so you don't sound like a complete doofus. Got it. Reject.

Friend: Yeaaaah but you still fucked up.

Me: I hate men.

6. Friend: Via text: "I am constipated. That is all."

7. Sister: "I had a dream I was eating crack."

Me: Um, like crack crack or butt-crack?....

Sister: "Crack crack, you idiot! Ew!"

Me: Um...I don't think you're suppose to eat crack....

Sister: "I know! Most of the patients at my hospital are crack addicts and you'd think that I'd know what the fuck you're suppose to do with it but I don't! Do you smoke it, sniff it, eat it, put it in your food, or dilute it????! I woke myself up from the dream because I realized I didn't know what the fuck I was suppose to do with crack!"

Me: Watch American Psycho.
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