Sitting in my car this morning, out the house too on time to possibly have eaten something before leaving the house, I grab the easiest, healthiest, and most portable food to eat; a banana. Normally, I peel that bad boy at a red light and eat it like a normal person, one bite at a time when I'm at a halt or on a particularly smooth drive. Then, this one morning happened.
There were a lot more people on the roads than I expected there to be at 10:30am on a Sunday. Worst of all, there was a lot more oncoming traffic than I expected while I was trying to eat my perfectly normal 6 inches plus banana. By the time I was a fourth of the way to work, I was reconsidering if I should put the banana in my mouth at all because if the guy in the next lane wasn't looking at me, then the guy behind me would be from my mirror, or the guy in front of me from his rearview mirror, or the lady walking 20 feet away from me through her compact mirror, or the guy standing across the street staring at my reflection bouncing off this lady's blingy watch and onto a bystander's sunglasses, or that bird that was debating which car to poop on today and they would all be like, "Woah, chikka, slow down on that banana there, it ain't going nowhere," or, "Welp, you can tell that one there has had pleeeenty of practice," or, "I got something you could scarf down."
Alright, so it's apparent that that morning drive was hilariously fascinating. And if you think I'm exaggerating, then it's because I probably am and this is just how my brain works but I got to a point where I was like, fuck it. I'm going to eat this banana because I will never see you, you, you, or yes, even you, you little fucktard of a bird ever again. Unless you decide to track me down via my license plate and interrogate me on my "riskayyyy" behavior with said fruit, in which case, 1. good memory and 2. creepster.
Okay, so like I was saying, I decided, fuck it. Fuck it fuck fuck it-- okay that was unnecessary, I just felt like cussing and being rebellious...right, I said fuck it and started eating this banana, showing it who was boss and whose exterior color by the way, was terribly deceiving because as soon as I bit down on it, it not only smushily smeared onto the corners of my lips but a whole fucking chunk of it detached from the peel.
So here I am, left hand on 10 and right on banana, balancing a chunk of it in my mouth. It was awful. I was scared that at that moment, I would sneeze and to imagine the outcome would be just god awful but of course, I did anyway. I had just vigorously cleaned my car and didn't want to put the peel down so, least to say, I probably didn't look very graceful. But it gets worse.
Finally there was a red light. I stop and a car pulls up to the left of me to make a turn and one pulls up on the right. I was in the middle, trying to be sly and hoping they didn't notice me at all because it was Sunday and you're allowed to be idiotic on Sundays, right? I was doing that thing where you try to eat something "long" (yes, I know, I've run out of adjectives that do not sound inapropro) without using your hands. It's like when you were in college typing up a last-minute paper and had a Kit Kat in your mouth and kept chomping on it till it was gone instead of taking your hands off the keyboard to take civil bites but forever risking losing your concentration to focus on this chocolatey wafery abyss....uh...no....I'm not eating a Kit Kat this very instant....
Anyway, they were looking at me. And I'm pretty sure that the guy to my right pulled down his window to make obscene gestures with his closed palm as his tongue pushed in and out to his cheek in quick successions.
My point being, it was a banana. I was a hungry lady who over-thought. So I wondered, how long ago in time did eating a banana in public become so sexual, humiliating, and utterly inappropriate? I mean, next thing you're going to be telling me is that I can't eat a cucumber or carrot while driving. What about a zucchini or parsnip?!?
How do you guys feel about eating while in a moving vessel? Have we as the judgey public gone completely over-the-bend on how sexual a race we are?
And I will have you know, that today, I drove while eating an apple and for some reason, I felt super empowered. Like taking the bull by its balls! Woah...every fruit is related to a genitalia...think I see a pattern here but that's a story for another blog post.
If you like my rants, funnies, and random facts, type your e-mail address in the box below and click the "create subscription" button. My list is awesomely spam free, and you can opt out at any time, but then who would entertain you? Uh, no one. Correctamundo.
Filed under: Uncategorized