Dear Love From The Brain - Is Porn Cheating?

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"Dear LoveFromTheBrain,

Please help me answer this question, is porn cheating?  I am currently angry at my husband and contemplating leaving him because I found porn on our PC.  Back story: When we were first married I found out that my husband occasionally looked at pornography.  I didn't like it and expressed as much.  He went to counseling because he, as a Christian man, wanted to break his dependency on pornography.  It has been a year, and despite temptation, he was porn free.  About 3 weeks ago I found porn in our computer history.  Big boobed blond porn.  Not only had he lied to me, but by looking at chicks that look nothing like me he is hurting my self image.  Dang it I admit I am not in as good a shape as I was before I had our son, but hell neither is he!  I feel completely betrayed.  Help me out.

To deuce or Not to deuce"

Dear To deuce or Not to deuce,

A simple answer to your question is no. Porn is not cheating. Porn is porn. It is just another form of entertainment. It is not for everyone. Some people are into it, some are not. It sounds like your husband is totally into porn.

If the two of you had an agreement that there was to be no porn in your marriage and your husband has in fact indulged in porn, then that doesn't make him a cheater. It does however make him a deal breaker and possibly a liar. The only way I can justify “cheater” here is if the two of you agreed that his sexual pleasure was to be found without the use of porn and he has in fact been pleasuring himself with porn. In that case, he has cheated on you by going outside of the agreement to achieve pleasure. You have not said as much but I find it hard to believe that a man can be dependent on porn - to the point of counseling – and all he’s doing is looking at it.

In life we have three primary choices, accept, reject, and tolerate. It is clear you will not accept your husband’s porn addiction (I think dependency and counseling justify the term addiction) so at this point you must decide to either reject his porn addiction or tolerate his porn addiction.

I don’t think the porn is the primary issue here. I think the lying is the problem. Something has happened to create an environment where you and your husband can not be open and honest about his addiction and so now he is sneaking in the porn. While it is clear you do not like the porn, my suggestion is try tolerating the pornography in an effort to restore honesty in your relationship.

Discuss the porn. Discuss why he indulges in pornography. Find out why he needs it. Discuss the big boobed blond chicks and how it relates to your body image and most important discuss his need to lie about porn.

I believe that with open, honest, nonjudgmental dialogue, the two of you can come to an understanding and work through this situation. Focus less on the porn itself and focus more on creating a honesty, deceit-free marriage. For if the marriage lacks honesty, then you may successfully eliminate the porn only to have issues with something else later.

Remember. No Always. No Never.

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