My cousin just reminded me of something the other day. He, too, has Type 1 diabetes. He wrote on my Facebook wall, after seeing that I talked to a class at Benito Juarez that he was happy I had gotten over the "pancreas outside the body thing." I am too.
So, for the longest time, I didn't want an insulin pump. I just didn't want one. The pump seemed to me like a pancreas hanging outside of my body. I always thought that the tubing would get stuck on something and yank out my infusion site. I thought, how am I going to be able to do anything or be active? It'll just get in the way.
I was afraid and for me, it was something too new to incorporate into my life. I was taking shots before, injecting the insulin and moving about my daily life. It wasn't until I went to a doctor who put the idea in my head. She was such an advocate for the pump. Her way of talking about it, her arguments, all of that were so well formulated that I felt terrible saying no to her. But I realized that I wasn't ready.
When I finally got the information that I needed to control my insulin intake and carbohydrate counting, I knew that I needed something else to help control my blood sugars. It was time to jump on the bandwagon.
I told my doctor that I wanted the pump and that I wasn't going to say no. I needed something to help me out, now that I was under control as I could be, I needed something else to get my numbers down, especially since I had made a New Year's goal to drop my A1c.
I gave in. After the talks, the proof, the stories and all the other people who did it and turned out fine, I gave in. I did it when I felt ready and responsible enough to do it. I still had the fear of tearing the infusion site out from my side, the fear of the pump not working correctly and the fear of not knowing what I was doing.
The first day I had to change it myself, I got over the fear of not knowing what I was doing. Within the first month, the terrible "NO DELIVERY" message came up (which means that the pump was not delivering insulin to my body for some reason) and I managed with my old fashioned vile of Lantus insulin and humolog pen. And within that same month, and even now, my pump falls out of my hands and hangs from the infusion site, yet to be pulled out of my skin.
The fears are there, but it doesn't mean that I can't get over them. In fact, I've gotten over many and have learned to use my pump according to how I see fit. It's a little machine that I still manually have control over. It might play the role of my pancreas, but hell, it's keeping me alive.