I've never been much for actively soliciting friends.
I did enough of it growing up, having moved several times, that as an adult, I'm kind of at the point where either it clicks with someone or it doesn't. Maybe I've just had enough practice that it doesn't feel like I am soliciting friendship so much as finding meaningful matches.
So when our blogging community moderator gave us a once-a-month writing challenge suggesting we write a post to a celebrity convincing them to be our new best friend, I was initially at a loss. I don't want to be a part of anyone's "squad" except for my family. Well, with maybe the exception of J Law. But let's face it—that was 20 years and three kids ago. The girl does not want to throw back wine while I regale her with tales of raising teens.
Instead, I would think celebrities should be actively soliciting moi.
I've got a lot to offer. Except for time. I'm kinda busy with the job thing, the marriage thing, the kid thing, the swim thing, the chauffeur thing, the "I have to run tonight or my pants are gonna bust" thing, the dinner/laundry/dishes thing ... but in the five minutes I'm not fat-assing it on the couch, I can:
Be normal. I don't have a private jet standing by. You can learn to keep it real in my Ford Flex. Or on my Crate & Barrel couch. I'm no life svengali. I don't know Goop. But I do know Google.
Be honest. As evidenced in the picture above, this girl don't lie. I've been practicing the "You're really going to wear that?" look since the early '70s.
Be secret. If you want to hide, I'm pretty sure I am the last place TMZ will look for you.
Watch "Game of Thrones" with you. And if you have a sensitive stomach, you can close your eyes and I'll give you the play-by-play.
Give commentary on competitive reality TV. I can pretty much pinpoint the a-holes on any given show from "The Amazing Race" to "Top Chef" and "Project Runway." And then I can teach you to mock them incessantly.
Make you a really good chocolate chip cookie.
Recommend a good book. I excel at this. No more having to put on sunglasses and sweatshirt to hit up the library. I'll bring the book to you.
I blather about books. Like to read? Need a good suggestion? Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.
I am also on Facebook, trolling for friends. Just a few of my latest reviews:
Filed under: mumbo jumbo