Mother's Day Cards I Think My Kids Might Give Me

screen-shot-2018-05-09-at-4-34-07-pmMay 13 marks Mother’s Day - the day we honor the women in our lives that have helped make us the people we are today.  It got me thinking about how my own little children feel I have helped (or harmed) them this year.

For Mother’s Day, my kiddos typically give me handmade cards. Sure they could give me the standard, “Worlds Best Mom” or “I LOVE YOU!” statements on a card.  Knowing my kids, I will likely see more pointed, opinionated, and direct declarations versus sentimental assertions. Here is a small sample of what I may see on my Mother’s Day cards from my kiddos:

  • Mom, having you do EVERYTHING for me has drastically improved my quality of life.
  • Mom, you are sorta like Oprah, Chef Boyardee, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg all rolled into one.
  • Thanks for sacrificing your boobs so I could grow up to be big and strong.
  • I would have gotten you more than just this crappy card, but then I would have had to borrow more money from you.
  • Mom, I held up my end of the bargain and didn’t tell dad about the time you hit the side of the house when you were backing out of the driveway.  Let’s talk about what you are going to give me to keep me quiet.
  • To Mom:  Sorry I f’ed up your urethra and now when you cough, sneeze, or laugh you pee yourself, From: Your third and largest child
  • Mom, you’re almost as awesome as Beyoncé.
  • Mom, for Mother’s Day I will show you how your iPhone works AND I won’t even roll my eyes when I do it.
  • Thanks for only partially losing your shit when I wrote my name in Sharpie on the new carpet.
  • I am so glad your stretch marks are a daily reminder of how great a mom you are.
  • Mom, someday I want to be just like you, just with better hair, some patience, and a sense of style.
  • Mom, you aren’t that bad.  Just look at Tina’s mom.  She’s bat shit crazy. 
  • Mom, you deserve a medal for having to share a bed with dad. Have you heard him snore? 
  • Mom, here is a folded piece of paper to thank you for all the butt, snot, and tear wiping you have done for me over the years.
  • I hope this day is as great as the day you became a mom, just without that whole epidural, placenta, after birth mess. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful women in our lives that have helped make us the people we are today!

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Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
10 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say While Shopping At Whole Foods
"Do I really look like this?" - My Magnifying Mirror Experience
Realistic Valentine's Day Sentiments
An Open Letter To Tableside Entertainers
An Open Letter To The Hormones Raging in My Pre-Teen Daughter

Can’t get enough? Here are a couple of my pieces that were published:
Daily Itinerary: Joel Osteen's Hairdresser, Creating Christ-like Coif Perfection, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

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