An Open Letter To The Hormones Raging in My Pre-Teen Daughter

Dear Hormones,

This is a formal letter of reprimand notifying you that your performance is adversely affecting the individuals residing in my household.  It has come to my attention, rather abruptly, that you are functioning at an inconsistent level, thus affecting the emotional stability of my pre-teen daughter. 

You have commandeered my tween and made her a mercurial nightmare. One minute she is happy, the next minute she is chucking an onion bagel across the room because the cream cheese has not been applied equally to both sides of the starchy sphere.

Your unsatisfactory performance is causing her to cry – a lot. For example, if the tip of her pencil breaks while she is doing her homework, she weeps uncontrollably.  If there are not enough red Skittles in the candy package, she sobs and says, “Life is like so unfair.”  At this point, I am unable to turn on the
television for fear she will hear an ASPCA commercial and have a complete emotional breakdown.  Curse you Sarah McLachlan and your eerily somber speaking voice. 

Two verbal performance warnings were issued to you last week.  The first, given after you made my daughter throw a tube of Colgate toothpaste out of the bathroom window while she screamed, “I hate you! Die! Die! Die!” because she could not find the tube’s cap.  The second came after you made her try to shove her favorite Vineyard Vines t-shirt in the fireplace because it had a stain on the little whale logo. 

I have set a clear expectation that all testosterone, progesterone, estrogen, and serotonin levels are to remain balanced at all times.  Between the mood swings, acne, hair growth, and breast niblets, you are taking my daughter, and her immediate family, on a ride to crazy town.

I will not tolerate the variance you are fostering and the negative impact it is cultivating in our lives. You will not receive additional performance warnings.  I will need to see immediate improvement or you will be fired.  

Stacey Zapalac


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