Showing My (Lack of) Skills On 'America’s Got Talent'

screen-shot-2017-08-19-at-10-14-40-pmMy kids are really into the NBC show AGT. That’s America’s Got Talent for you rookies out there. After watching the latest episode Wednesday night, one of my daughters asked me, “If you were on AGT, what talent would you do?”

After she asked me this question I thought for a second, and honestly, I couldn’t come up with one single talent to highlight on AGT. Not a single talent! That can’t be, can it? I am a semi-middle-aged feminist college graduate. Surely I have a talent I could perform on the AGT stage.

I started to panic about the fact I lack the necessary unique and death-defying talents necessary for AGT success.  After my mini self-actualization anxiety attack, I reviewed the laundry list of AGT performers I saw this season and assessed whether I have any of those same skills.

My imaginary dance crew had disbanded. I can’t sing worth a damn. I don’t like heights so getting shot out of a cannon is absolutely out of the question. I am judgmental, but Simon, Mel B., and company have already taken those spots. As for magic, the only thing I know how to make disappear is a slice of cake, a brownie, or a cookie from a plate. Doing the limbo under flames isn’t an option. Have you seen my hair? It would go up in flames like a torch.

I dug deep and brainstormed on what talents I have that could be featured on AGT. Here is what I came up with:

  • Demonstrate how to properly reheat leftover pizza so it doesn’t overcook and get all hard and nasty in the microwave.
  • I can show how to make a really, really, really tall pile of dirty laundry go untouched as it sits next to a washing machine.
  • Highlight my talent for nodding and smiling when someone from the DMV, an insurance company, or the service department of a car dealership is talking to me, while simultaneously not knowing what the hell he or she is talking about. That’s kinda like a ventriloquist's dummy, right?
  • I can display how to overextend yourself so much that you are late to every doctor appointment, carpool pickup, and birthday party.
  • Exhibit how to write a succinct thank you note, and then forget to mail it.
  • I can show how I am able shove an entire Klondike Bar in my mouth and still have room to fit two Oreos.
  • Display how to quietly army crawl out of a PTA meeting 30 minutes before it is over so you can go home to drink Rosé and watch the latest season of Game of Thrones. That’s gotta count as a tightrope act.
  • I can demonstrate how to passive aggressively treat the a-hole behind you in line at the grocery store that keeps asking for the divider stick so she can put her purchases on the belt. Back off sister!
  • Display how to magically make Amazon Prime boxes disappear so your spouse has no idea that orders arrive daily.  I am practically Houdini at this.
  • Highlight how to extricate yourself out of Spanx or skinny jeans after you eat a Chipotle Burrito Bowl with a side of chips and guac.   Maybe I am an escape artist!

Let me know if you think any of these would translate well to the America’s Got Talent stage.


What I Have Been Up To

I have been busy this summer tending to my three sweethearts while home on summer break. Another thing I have been doing is pushing full steam ahead on my comedy and satire writing. I am also dipping my toe (just one) further into the improv and story telling world.

If you are in the Chicagoland area and would like to hear some funny stories told by moms, join the Mother Cluckers, LaGrange’s ONLY comedy troupe, on September 7 at Jayne in LaGrange. Come celebrate surviving summer and sending your little angels back to school. For more details and ticket information visit the Mother Cluckers website. Hope to see you there!


Can’t get enough? Of course not.  Here are a couple of my recently published pieces:
Quiz: Cuckoo Bee of Mitch McConnell?, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
My Cringe-Worthy Mommy Moment
Get Out of My House: A Back To School Playlist
A Few Fictional Characters I Wouldn’t Mind Hanging Out With

Oh, and don't forget...
Follow me @smzapalac

Like me on Facebook The Little Voice That Lives In My Head
Visit my website that really needs to be updated

Filed under: Insights, Parenting

Leave a comment