I wrote this piece while back-to-school shopping with my children. I thought some of you could relate. Enjoy!
Shiver Me Timbers, It’s A School Supply Treasure Hunt!
Ahoy matey! Aye, it’s back to school shopping season and shiver me timbers, retailers are teeming with school supply booty. Alas, what elusive bounty is on your child’s exhaustively specific school supply list? Yo-ho-ho, you know, those obscure items that are like the buried treasure of the school supply list, thus requiring you to sail the seven seas of big box stores to find them.
Arrr! Avast me hearties and grab your parrot, eye patch, wooden leg, and intestinal fortitude to see where your school supply treasure hunt will take you.
Davy Jones’ Locker or Wal-Mart’s Back To School Aisle
Your school supply treasure hunt has you searching for a 5-count pack of Expo low odor chisel point tip black only dry erase markers. You see Wal-Mart carries 4, 8, and 12-count packs. Aye, there’s fine point, ultra fine point, and bullet tips, but no chisel tip. Blimey, there are neon, assorted, vibrant, and fashion colors. Where’s the black only?
Instead, give the school supply list the heave ho and plunk down some doubloons on a 12-count pack of Mr. Sketch Scented Markers. Your kid’s homework will come home smelling like Robitussin and that rum punch you drank in Playa del Carmen.
Costco, Surrrrrender the Paper Product Booty
Don’t let your child’s teacher maroon your kiddo for not bringing in three rolls of Bounty Select-A-Size super absorbent 2-ply paper towels (NO prints, 117 sheets per roll) and three boxes of Kleenex anti-viral facial tissues (upright 55-count blue tissue boxes only, NO lotion on tissue). Savvy?
Hit Costco’s poop deck and hornswoggle any paper towels and tissue packs you can find. This buccaneer guarantees when cold and flu season hits, your precious little sailor’s teacher isn’t going to give a flying Jolly Roger what color the tissue box is.
Walk The Plank Into Target’s Briny Deep
With no luck at Staples, Kmart, or Walgreens, you haul wind to Target in search of two 8-count packs of Crayola Multicultural Crayons and three-dozen Elmer’s School Glue Sticks. Surely this treasure can be found somewhere in this vast retail vessel. On your way to the school supply section you spot new bounty in the Target Dollar Spot. A #HANGRY sign, 24-count paper straws with polka dots on them, and the cutest mini chalkboard easel all fit handsomely in your cart.
Racks of vibrant housewares, a blue and white striped t-shirt that will go perfect with your new white ankle jeans, and the softest Nate Berkus throw blanket you have ever touched call to you from the briny deep. Before you know it you have spent $200, completely forgotten why you were even at Target, and have no multicultural crayons and glue sticks among your loot.
Thar She Blows! Home Depot Marks The Spot
Avast! It appears this year’s school district budget has been plundered and now you need to pony up pieces of eight for some rather particular booty for your child’s science class. Your school supply treasure hunt leads you to Home Depot for Shatter-proof comfort fit non-fogging protective eyewear, hypoallergenic respirator face masks (2-pack), and latex-free PVC coated safety gloves (size small).
Clearly the teacher who created your school supply list has no children or he/she would know that all the protective gear in the world isn’t going to stop a little seadog from keelhauling himself or a classmate.
Hoist The Mizzen To The Beatnik Art Store
Your treasure hunt has taken you to the depths of big-box retailers to procure two General’s Tri-Tip White Art Erasers. You even make a stop at Big Lots and the Dollar Tree. Arrrr, no luck!
Alas, you batten down the hatches and weigh anchor to that art store where quirky people with exaggerated mustaches and bad posture congregate. As you sail through the isles of canvases, oil paints, and modeling materials, you hear a carouser in the aisle over talking about her “alternative burlesque show based on Catcher in the Rye.” You decide to come about and head back to the burbs where it is safe for landlubbers like you.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful school year!
Can’t get enough? Of course not. Here are a couple of my recently published pieces:
Daily Itinerary: Joel Ostend's Hairdresser, Creating Christ-like Coif Perfection, The Belladonna Comedy
Seven Words I Would Have Children S-P-E-L-L If I Were Running The National Spelling Bee, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
Some Other Fun Blog Posts To Check Out:
Showing My (Lack of Skills) on America's Got Talent
My Cringe-Worthy Mommy Moment
Get Out of My House: A Back To School Playlist
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