Three Children’s Books I Am Ready to Retire


My oldest child is twelve, my youngest is four-I have been reading the same children’s books for a looooooong time. You come to a point in your life when you are ready to give up some of those books you have read one too many times. Here are three children’s books I am ready to retire:

Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

This beloved book tells the story of a small bunny lulling gently to sleep. Nothing screams soothing like a room that looks like a circus threw up, a bowl of cold bedside oatmeal, rodents running around, and a strange old lady staring at you from a rocking chair. Am I the only one who finds this a little disturbing? Where is the illustration of the child-size Ambien this little rabbit probably needs to be able to fall asleep in this calamity of a room?

Harold and the Purple Crayon by Crockett Johnson

It’s an American classic. A book about a little hairless boy with a wondrous imagination that takes his purple crayon and creates a world of adventure and amazement. A beautiful idea, right? The issue comes when your little bookworm feels compelled to imitate Harold, grabs a Sharpie and draws a scene from Paw Patrol on your bedroom wall. Hey Crockett Johnson, please include a Magic Eraser with every book order.

Any Laura Numeroff Book

Laura Numeroff, author of the wildly popular If You Give A… series of books, is known for her circular story telling format. Once you read two books in this series you have figured out Numeroff’s scam-the books will end the same way they started. What the hell Laura, let’s throw in a little variety here. Why not add something like now that the little mouse has had his cookie he could get his ass off the iPad and clean up his room, put his laundry in the G-D hamper, and put his toys away. How about that lesson Laura?

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Also, if you are in the Chicagoland area Feb. 23, grab a copy of Chicago Tribune's RedEye Chicago and read a moderately funny article I wrote about Chicago's 7-cent disposable bag tax.

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