The crowded boxed meal delivery field just got a little more crowded. And guess who is behind this latest endeavor? You got it - your favorite insider trading domestic diva and mine, Martha Stewart. Cue the applause while simultaneously feeling inadequate. Martha is collaborating with Marley Spoon, Inc. a cook-at-home subscription delivery service; to bring fresh, easy, Martha/chef-designed meals guaranteed to make your “taste buds dance.”
A meal planned by post-prison Martha, sent directly to my house, that promises to be easy to make and my family will love it. What? This is too good to be true. Finally, my little darlings and my beloved will have something new and interesting to eat and I can take credit for it all. Cue the happy dance.
I ordered the Martha & Marley Spoon family-size box, designed to feed a family of four (two adults & two children). Because I was ordering for my family, I tried to pick something that would be somewhat recognizable to them. I selected broccoli grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup for the first meal. I placed my order and low and behold, the little box of hope arrived on my front porch.
I carefully opened Martha’s box. In my head I could hear the angels singing, see a heavenly light shining from within Martha’s box and I felt full of joy. Hold the phone. Ummmmm… what the hell is this? A whole onion? A head of garlic? A bunch of broccoli? Why isn’t this business cut up into little pieces for me? Did Martha forget to do that before putting it in the box? This must be a mistake. I begin to sweat.
Am I not paying a premium for Martha to cut up all the ingredients and send them to me already prepped? This is an f’in travesty Martha. Martha’s box was supposed to make my life easier - streamline and simplify. Now I have to cut and chop my way through this Godforsaken recipe.
After chopping, slicing, mincing, pureeing, grilling and roasting, I now have some suspect-looking broccoli grilled cheese sandwiches and a small pot of tomato soup. If you are looking for Cheesecake Factory-size portions, you will not find them in Martha’s box. The family-size box will likely feed one of the following groups:
- Group 1: 1 adult, 1 child who actually eats what he/she is served, and 2 children who pick off anything that looks like it belongs in one of the four food groups and scream “This is stinky!” and “This is yuck!” running from the table in terror.
- Group 2: One female, the week before her period starts, while the rest of her family goes hungry watching her eat. PMS is a bitch.
- Group 3: A family of 4, not from the United States, who eats healthy and appropriate portion sizes.
I served this meal to my three children. My husband was out of town and got to miss the festival de Martha. We fell into group one as listed above, but teetered on group two as well. We definitely do not fit into group three. One of my children ate her meal, no questions asked. The other two kiddos ran for the hills. I, of course, ate their meals, as well as mine.
The meal is over and time to assess whether Martha’s box was worth it. I liked the excitement of getting my hands on Martha’s box. All of the ingredients were fresh, seasonal, and from trusted purveyors. I liked introducing my kids to something new.
What I did not like was the cutting and prepping madness. I had a mountain of dishes to tackle post-grilled cheese and soup. I also did not like facing the reality of what constitutes a healthy portion size. I think my family needs the plus-sized version of Martha’s box.
Lastly, there were some critical things missing from the box. The first is dessert. If you are going to make my kids eat broccoli in their grilled cheese sandwiches and soup that did not come out of a can, for God’s sake, throw in an Oreo or something. Also, a bottle of wine should be a mandatory component of Martha’s box. A nice buzz would have come in handy to momma as the children yell “eww” and “this is icky.”
Would I order Martha’s box again? Probably not. Was it fun to try? Yes, but not the chopping insanity. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am off to figure out what the hell I will cook my family that will make their “taste buds dance.”
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Stacey M. Zapalac
Filed under: Humor