A friend was telling me the other day about shopping for a dress for the Father/Daughter Dance at her daughter's school. The dress was for her 8-year-old daughter, not herself.
"Better you than me, " I said. "Those Daddy Daughter dances are just creepy."
She was quiet after that and I quickly realized that I should have held my tongue. I'm pretty sure I offended her.
But I'm sorry. Those Daddy Daughter dances are just creepy!
They smack of purity balls and pledging your virginity to your father.
I think what bothers me about the whole thing is that if a young woman or a girl pledges her virginity to her father then she's essentially giving up power and autonomy over her body. After all, if father controls your virginity, then father can also decide to take it away. Ew!
Oh sure, your school/scout troop/church/temple/civic organization's sponsored Father/Daughter dance is NOTHING LIKE those far-right-wing Christians and their chastity pledges. This isn't about virginity or dating your father until your husband comes along or anything sexual. It's just about father/daughter bonding! I am all for father/daughter bonding (more on this later). But if the Daddy/Daughter dance isn't about courtship (or a facsimile thereof) then how come there is no such thing as a Mommy/Son dance? The only time you EVER see a mother/son dance happening is at a wedding. And even that is rare and kind of awkward for everyone.
What about the girls at that school who don't have a father? How left out will they feel when all the other girls are talking about dressing up and going to the dance? There are three lesbian couples with children on my block. Are their daughters excluded from the dance? What about my cousin's girls whose father is off in Afghanistan? What about the girls whose father has been deported? Are they also excluded? What about the girls who never had a father because he left or was never part of the family? What about the single woman who decided to have a child on her own? Are all of those girls excluded, too?
Count me IN for formative father/daughter experiences. I am 100% in favor of father/daughter bonding. I have two daughters and they have a father with whom (I hope) they will always feel close and loved and supported. But there are a million other things they can do together for bonding that are not facsimiles of dating: camping, building a birdhouse, serving food in a soup kitchen, dancing to the Beastie Boys in our kitchen, homework, amusement parks, learning to roller skate, swimming, hiking, robot building, legos, comic book store shopping, science fair, painting, cooking, digging in mud, hunting (although I personally would never kill an animal for sport I do not judge those who do as long as they eat the meat), ice skating, sledding, reading, coloring, sports, movie-watching...you get the idea.
But the Daddy Daughter dance? Count me out.
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I don't think that the park district ones have anything to do with propaganda.
However, I did wonder about them being moved from the park district building to a hotel.
They are holding park district dances at a hotel? Hm...that does seem odd.
I was feeling guilty that my 3 year old would miss the dance this Friday because my husband will be out of town for work. I thought about looking for a "stand in" but then decided against it for many of the reasons above.
Thanks for your comment, Yoga Mom! We have honestly not had the opportunity to attend a Daddy/Daughter dance yet. It'll be interesting to see whether or not my daughter wants to go.
I honestly do not understand why a dance is "creepy"
If you're all for daddy daughter bonding, then what is the issue with a daughter and a dad dancing together? I wonder why you use the term "creepy" too. Just because it's a dance doesn't mean it's a facsimile for dating. It's just an opportunity for a daughter to play dress up and go do something that will make them feel special for a night, and most little girls really enjoy dressing up.
As a girl who grew up without a father, it bothers me that the kind of events I would have loved to share with my him were he alive for it are demonized under the notion that it creates some sort of creepy dating vibe. I went to some of those dances with men who were father figures to me, and if I couldn't go with someone like that my mom and I would go do something special that night to celebrate our relationship, which every lesbian/single mom/widow could do.
The responsibility isn't on the organizers of the dance for the girls without dads, and even the "church" ones I went to allowed for girls to go with their mom or another family member if they chose.
I'm all for mother/son dances, don't get me wrong, but I don't think we should fault the daddy daughter ones based on lack of the other.
It's just sad to me that something as special as those dances can be are demonized because of their alleged intentions.
It's nice to hear that for some of these dances, the attendees can be anyone. At my friend's school I believe that female parents, while not explicitly forbidden, were not warmly welcomed either.
Anyway, thanks for your comment. I always appreciate reading the viewpoints of others.
Laughed when I saw this title...this article is pretty silly, ur opinion- fine, but I'm guessing your in the minority here...nothing to do with virginity, lol....I'm a teacher, and at my school they do both daddy/daughter and mother/son...yes, it's crazy the dresses these little girls wear sometimes (or how the mom dresses at the mother/son), but it is nothing like what you are talking about...students are encouraged to bring any family member really, and we have no problems with students who don't have a mom or dad, as long as the school/park district running it are mature adults, it will work out fine....pretty sure you need to relax a little about this, unless my school does it differently than everyone else?
I'm guessing you're right, too. I know I'm in the minority about this. But I'm glad to hear your school encourages the students...any student or just girls? to bring anyone. Of course, if you're going to do that, why not make it a family dance instead of explicitly Father/daughter?
Since my Dad died last summer, I would give anything in the world to have just one more dance with him.
I'm very sorry for your loss JoesGarage. I, too, have lost both my father and stepfather. Thanks for reading.
There ARE mother/son dances. Everywhere. Check it out.
Like the above commenter said, it's your opinion, so fine, but I think you've spent a bit too much time thinking about something that is JUST A DANCE with your daddy. That's it.
You know, TraceyB, it's odd. I looked and looked for evidence of mother/son dances and I couldn't find any! Except at weddings....could you point some out to me? I'd like to see how they compare.
Thank for your comment. I always enjoy reading everyone's point of view.
I don't find anything creepy about them. My husband took our daughter to a couple of them, they had a nice time, and that was about it. I also took her to a mother-daughter tea. I'm not sure whether there were corresponding father-son or mother-son activities, but then, we don't have a son, so there'd be no reason for us to even get notices about such things.
We aren't a particularly conservative or religious household and certainly don't expect our daughter to 'pledge her virginity' to her father or anyone else, though we do expect her to exercise caution and common sense when the time comes.
It's unfortunate that some girls don't have the opportunity to attend such events with their own fathers, but then there are probably some other activities those same girls would be excluded from due to various other circumstances. I see no reason why a girl lucky enough to have a loving father in her life shouldn't get to celebrate her good fortune in style once in a while, if she wishes.
It's possible to read all manner of nefarious ulterior motives into just about anything if you go through life looking for them, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
You are so right Ambular. Sometimes a dance is just a dance. I'm still not going. Have fun!
My husband has attended several Daddy/daughter dances. He has also chaperoned 3 of my daughters friends whose Daddy died. It was a chance for these girls to dress up and be treated special. We also have 3 boys. I have taken the younger two to a "She and Me" dance which was open for moms and kids to attend. It was a Hawaiian theme and we had a blast. I still have the great picture we had taken there posted on my fridge.
At no time was abstinence or purity part of these dances.
Sounds like fun!
I certainly didn't mean to imply that the Chastity Movement is always and in every way a part of every Daddy/daughter dance. I only meant that these dances remind of that dynamic. I choose to sit this one out. But I'm glad you had fun.
Thanks for taking the time to comment.
We had Daddy/Daughter dances when I was in high school and it was more of an opportunity for us girls to dance like idiots while our dads stood around and drank beer. Ah, the good old days.
And my friend who didn't have a dad brought her young, hot uncle. We liked him.
But why did it have to be Daddy/Daughter? Couldn't it be a Family Dance where the kids dance like idiots and the parents sit around and drink beer?
Ugh. Make it a "Family Dance" if you must, but my high school self is still going to tell my parents it's a "Daddy/Daughter" dance.
I've been to enough open bar weddings with my mother to know that I want no part of that action.
Dear Christine,
"Purity Balls" and "Pledging Virginity"? I don't think so. Our children, both sons, and daughters, grow up so quickly. I was fortunate enough to attend 2 father/daughter dances sponsored by her Brownie/Girl Scout Troop. I spent most of the time sitting with other fathers, talking sports, home maintenance, carts, etc.. The dance portion was relatively short. I do believe the dance was a social event, but not what has been cited in your original article. There is only a very short period of time between a young girl being able to enjoy such an event. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
We used to talk about Pokemon, and Yu-Gi-Oh, and Harry Potter. She is now 16, and will be 17 soon. We now talk about cars, grades, and college. Like I said, our children grow up so quickly. If we don't enjoy doing things with our children when we are able, we miss so much.
And Christine, I don't know if you've lost a parent yet. Both my parents have passed away, and my daughters birth mother has also passed away. We both cherish the memories our our departed parents.
And finally, Christine, I don't doubt that 'creepy' things can happen at events like this. In the past 10 or so years, we've found out 'creepy' things have been happening that we didn't know about. In places we couldn't have imagined. I can no longer look back and say things were so different back then. They weren't.
And maybe, our daughters, can, by example, see how a young lady should be treated at a social event. To be respected, and be treated respectfully. They may just be better prepared to know how they should be treated when they spread their wings in that big world out there.
Thanks for the lovely reminiscences, Robert. I have indeed lost both a father and a stepfather. I always enjoy hearing from other viewpoints.
I'm with you on this one. Daddy/daughter dances creep me out. To me, they strongly imply paternal ownership of daughters, which is wrong wrong wrong. I know others see this as an innocent opportunity for father/daughter bonding, and they're welcome to it. But I never went to one, and had no desire to do so. If my husband and daughters ever want to attend such a thing, I suppose that's up to them, but it gives me the oogies.
So, according to you and the author, any dance between a man and a woman is always a sexual event or a subservient man-over-woman thing? Maybe men shouldn't change their baby daughter's diapers either, or bathe them? Maybe men and women should be segregated at all times? There is something terribly wrong with both of your perspectives and a little bit (or a lot) of therapy could be in order.
You might want to familiarize yourself with this, Naptandy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man
I associate these dances with purity balls and girls pledging their virginity to their fathers, which is why I find them so troublesome. (I suspect the same is true for the author.) You don't make that association -- good for you. But the notion of a father owning his daughter's body, or her "purity," is repulsive, and because daddy/daughter dances are often all about these chastity pledges, they freak me out. Sounds like many of them have nothing to do with that, and that's fine, too. Doesn't change my association, or the fact that I'd rather not go to one.
I'm a father of three daughters. I don't like these dances just because I'm a bit of a stick-in-the-mud. But my girls like them, so I go. It's just a dance, so nothing to get creeped out by. Sounds like you have some personal issues to me.
Yeah!! I'll bet your girls love them more because they see you come out of the mud.
I think Daddy/Daughter dances are sweet. I sure wish they had them when I was a little girl. Your girls will have super-cherished memories.
There are too many perverted people posting ignorant comments. I hope they never attend one of these dances, as they obviously have twisted ideas about children.
My husband has attended countless daddy-daughter dances with our three girls over the years and there never felt like there was anything "creepy" about them- the girls had a great time. I am, however, aware of a family who lost their father last month. The wife/mother has expressed angst repeatedly about who will attend the daddy-daughter dance with their fifth grader this year. THAT is what bothers me about them- they can be very difficult for kids without that parent. Even though any male figure is welcome as a substitute, it's still just that: a substitute.
So, I take it you feel that the first dance at a wedding between the father and bride/ mother and groom are equally creepy and should be eliminated as well? Maybe you should look at you own internal demons to find out why you are equating nice bonding moments between a dad and his daughter as something perverted or sexually-related.
The fact that you put these events in the same category with sexually-related events is as creepy as it is irresponsible.
I haven't come across them in the City, and our school doesn't do them. I think my kids would die if they had to dance with either me or their dad at a "special" dance. I could just about get my 18 year old to "boogie" with us at her graduation last year.
But yes, - those purity and virginity dances are appaling. Talk about living in the last century.
One blog post will not change the blindness of most commentators here. Most of these "innnocent" dances may in fact be innocent in practice today. But the fact remains that this tradition stems directly from Virginity Balls, where daughters pledge their virginity to their fathers until they get married. And girls are essentially the property of their fathers. If your little church Daddy/Daughter dance today doesn't explicitly do that, you are doing nothing other than keeping alive the watered down remnants of this tradition. At least the fundamentalists aren't such blind cowards as to pretend theirs aren't all about controlling women. And if you need these dances to make your daughter feel speciial or to get the father to spend time with the girls, your family is more screwed up than you know. Your culture is operating, as a previous commenter said, living in a past century.
I have actually planned one of these events. They are completely innocent and little girls get so excited to attend.
Really? I can't believe news is so scarce that a reporter needs to stoop down and pervert a perfectly innocent event. The Dad's weren't too excited about dancing, but enjoy seeing their little girls dancing with their friends.
At the party I planned, we made sure Daddy and Daughter had a commemorative photo as a keepsake. I wish I had something like this to remember my Daddy. We girls get older and realize that Dad did this for us. And I think that is pretty special.
Shame on all of you that twist and pervert this.
I never thought much about daddy/daughter dances, but it is interesting that you point out there would never be a mother/son dance. And yes, when mothers and sons dance together at weddings, it is a little uncomfortable. I think this whole concept is pretty outdated. I mean, this sounds very 1950s sock hop when young girls and boys dancing was taboo.
A Father-daughter dance sponsored by the Addams family. Definitely creepy.
Hmmmm....you sound creepy! Or maybe u grew up with a creepy father!! Ewwww to you!! The words "purity balls" and "pledging virginity" should not even be used in the same sentence as "daddy/daughter dance"! You are demented and twisted and have no clue what you are talking about. Did you have the first dance with your father at your wedding? Ewwwww!! Is that creepy too?? Get it together girl!! These dances are for precious little darlings who want to feel like a princess for the night with their daddy! They are elementary school age and have no clue about all the pervie things you have on your mind! And the dads? I don't know what kind of men you're hanging around with or grew up with, but it sounds like you need some good therapy, girl! Or...you need to move or find a new husband!!
As far as girls who have lesbian moms or no dad to take them to the dance-- guess what?? Other dads in my community always take along several girls whose dads are either traveling for work, absent in their lives or who have 2 moms!! As far as not having a mommy/son dance...guess what? In my community, there is a social dancing program in Jr. High that prepares all kids for school dances, Bar & Bat Mitzvah dances, etc and moms attend so they can dance with their sons... so there!!
Reading this all was exhausting. Things that are pure, honest, lovely, good, loving... these are things I choose to think of. They are fulfilling and energizing to the soul. A father showing you how you should be honoured in life is very appealing. It's not about power. It's about honouring eachother in the ways that we are made differently...little girls humanly need daddy to represent what it is to be treated like a lady.