Some Armadillos are More Equal Than Others

Some Armadillos are More Equal Than Others

A group of Miami University biologists recently discovered a previously unknown species of armadillo, which they are calling the Crested Armadillo for now.

The discovery was met with jubilation among the team of scientists who feel the new species will help us broaden our definition and idea of what an armadillo is.

"This new species of Armadillo has a pinkish spot on its crest, but other than that, it looks identical to the Six-banded Armadillo, and from what we have gathered so far, it appears to behave identically, so we feel they share the genus Euphractus, with it's Six-banded cousin. From what we've been able to gather, it's the exact same as the popular, Six-banded Armadillo just a little different with the pink tuft on it's crest." said head-biologist Max Pilkington.

However, the discovery of this new armadillo has not been met with universal praise from biologists.

"To call tufted thing an armadillo is an abomination" says, Randy Stryker, biologist at the National Organization for Armadillos.  "Armadillos evolved from the Ankylosaurus during late Cretaceous period, first of all. They have been around for millions and millions of years, and I sure as heck am not gonna re-conceptualize what an armadillo means just because someone found a new weird one, like 20 minutes ago. We know what armadillos are- there are 20 species of them within 9 Geni. Not 21 species."

Such stubborn opposition from (predominantly) southern biologists has left professor Pilkington flummoxed, "Here we are, a bunch of scientists who contribute to science and all of academia, and we're just trying to do our jobs and participate in society just like everyone else does when they do their jobs. And it just so happens we found something that was previously unknown to people. It isn't like this finding changes anything. Clearly, the Tufted Armadillo has been around for at least 3 million years, and it's just a new kind of armadillo. For someone to think a new version of an armadillo somehow changes anything about current armadillos is unfounded. We aren't saying, 'Hey everybody, everything we thought we knew about armadillos was a lie!' we're just saying, 'here is another form of an armadillo that seems just like other armadillos, with a slight difference."


Pilkington went on to say that admirers of traditional armadillos have nothing to fear in the advent of the new discovery, "I just don't think this changes very much, and I don't know where this fear is coming from- other than the South, of course. The Crested Armadillo isn't cannibalistic, so there's no threat to existing armadillos. All of your favorite armadillo species are still  special creatures of God, and just as valid as they've been since the Cretaceous period. However, it looks like, for whatever reason, the Crested Armadillo wasn't recognized until now so I thought it was time it took it's rightful place alongside the other armadillos who have been well-known since the time of dinosaurs."

The "Armadillo purists" (as many Crested Armadillo deniers have called themselves) remain unconvinced. "Some people want to separate Science and the Church, but that's just stupid." said Shane Dunganimus. "God made all the animals, and God made science, so how can you separate science from the church? You can't. If God actually intended for these grubby creatures to exist, he would've invented them a VERY long time ago and they would've been discovered a VERY long time ago. But that wasn't in God's plan, so they must be new, and I'm not about to question God.".

Mr. Dunganimus was then asked if a possible explanation for the crested armadillo's recent discovery was that maybe scientists COULD HAVE discovered this species years ago, only to have been met with similar opposition, so that's why it was wiped from the science books and appears "new" to us today.

"No, it's not possible that anyone could have denied this armadillo's validity before we did because it's NEW!!! And, If it were around forever we would've known about it because God would've 1) made it long ago, and 2) allowed man to acknowledge it long ago. But he didn't."

As a follow-up question, Mr. Dunganimus was asked if it could be possible that God made every single living creature, EVEN the Crested Armadillo, which evidence shows has, in fact, been around for millions of years. And wasn't it also possible that this creature of God simply wasn't recognized until recently, despite it's millions of years of secretive existence?


To that question Shane Dunganimus replied, "No because if God made it, we would've known about it a long time ago. We aren't denying actual armadillos exist, we're just saying this isn't an armadillo".

Despite a 99.94% DNA match to the contrary.

(Yes, this was satire).


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  • Maybe the Crested Armadillo seems new to us, but there have always been cresty-seeming armadillos and by all accounts, the ancient Greeks celebrated them, if not by name.

  • In reply to Jenna Karvunidis:

    Big ups to your people!

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