As a stall tactic during their proposed gun debate filibuster, the 15 Republican Congressman will sing a rap song that they have (poorly) written. The exclusive copy of the lyrics can be read below.
Mitch McConnell (R-KY): During my senate tenure in 2008/ there was a mass murder right under my nose and in my home state/ I killerbuster to help more psychos like him get past the gun ownership hurdles/ and all the bit&$es love me (if they have a fetish for guys who look like turtles).
Ted Cruz (R-TX): They call me Tedd Cruz and I'm the stupidest dude in the greater DC area/ my legislating paves the way for the next, George Hennard to murder 24 up in a cafeteria/ That killing happened in Killeen and I'm so stupid the verbal I-ro-ny is lost on ME./ My legislating is good for the business of the grim reaper/ Even moms don't let me kiss their babies cuz I look like a creeper/ Well I am that creepy and I'm Randy like Randall/ The safe money is on me to get caught up in the next Republican sex scandal
Mike Lee (R- UT): It was in my home state in 2007/ Sulejman Talovic and a shotgun sent six people to heaven/ now I legislate like I don't even remember/ But did you expect me to be smart? I'm a freaking cult member! / I'm all about this killerbuster because I don't have the brains to endure critical thinking or debate/ If I ever thought critically do you think I'd actually join a religion that wouldn't let me fornicate?/ I bet you want your congressman to be real compassionate and smart, well bi&#h I aint/ For cryin out loud I'm a latter day saint
James Inhofe (R-OK): I'm James Inhofe and I'm a legislative cancer, now excuse me while I pave the way for the next Adam Lanza!/ 90% of the population wants tougher gun laws, but I don't though/ I'm going legislate in the honor of Seung-Hui Cho!!
Richard Burr (R-NC): My name is Richard Burr, but most call me Dumb Dick. If my legislation doesn't get your ass shot to death it'll leave you sick!/ I love it when a psycho gets a gun and leaves the innocent dead and cold/ and big ups to my dead brothers Eric Harris and Dylan Kleibold!!
Rand Paul (R-KY): First of all, I'm totally cool with Joey Wesbecker mowing down his co-workers with an AK. That happened in my home state, I'm sad to say/Secondly, don't you like my poodle-pube toupee?
Mike Enzi (R-WY): My state is the least populace in the whole damn nation/ my state has so few people we barely deserve congressional representation/ I want an AR-15 with 100 round clip in all the psychopath's homes/ Now watch me killerbuster in the name of my brother James Holmes!
Marco Rubio (R-FL): I'm killerbusterin' discussions because I don't care if a whack job gets an AK/ then drives straight from the gun store and points at your kids while they play/ Afterward, I'll take no responsibility when he empties a 100 round clip in your daughter/ Now please excuse me while I stare at the camera and take an awkward sip of water!
Jerry Moran (R-KS):I stand up to the mourning parents of Sandy Hook because I'm a big man and I don't give a f*&$ who that rankles/ Oh I gotta go, I hear the Koch brothers coming, now it's time I grab my ankles
Pat Roberts (R-KS): If you want to see a backwards Kansas idiot come here and get a good look/ Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta join Jerry Moran and bend my ass over for those brothers named Koch
Ron Johnson (R-WI): Last year in my state a bigot shot up a Seikh temple cuz he was misguided/ Since I'm stupid enough to killerbuster gun talks I deserve to mocked and chided / Some good Wisconsin folks just wanted to worship in peace/ thanks to spineless pols like me they worshiped in piece(s)
Mike Crapo (R-ID)- I'm a another hick mormon and I love me some gun shootin/ Do I honestly believe an angel presented John Smith with Golden Scrolls to be buried? You're darn tootin'/ My Crap(o) for brains gun laws make me a community fracturer/ But I don't care because I get mad $$ from gun manufacturers!
James Risch (R-ID): I'm a real smart Idaho rancher and I'm so smart you all better let me impose my wildly near-sighted gun views/ Now if you'll excuse me I gotta scrape cattle feces off my ranchin' shoes.
Dan Coats (R-IN): Et tu Dan Coats? This is the unkindest cut of them all.
I am not gonna write a snarky rap line about you because you have met my mother and you have done personal human-to-human-contact good for my family. In 1990 or '91 you spoke to the third grade class at Aboite Elementary school in the cafeteria and I was in attendance, sitting on the floor looking up at you in your suit. I don't remember much of the details, but I remember feeling special that a congressman in a suit spoke to kids like me in a suit, and not in a t-shirt and shorts on his day off.
Also about that time, my mother saw you at (then) Baer Field Airport and pulled you aside. She told you that her son (my big brother, then about 12 years old) and his friend were about to board a plane with you, and they were en route to Portland, Maine where that friend lived. She asked if you'd be so kind as to watch over them and make sure they got to their connecting flight ok. You impressed her with your politeness and said you'd be happy to. When my brother called to say he got to Portland safely, he also verified that you, in fact, had kept your word to my mother and saw my brother and his friend to their gate.
You did not have to do that and all of our family was so appreciative- to this day and forever- that you did. You displayed the kind of earnest, good neighborliness that makes me proud to be from Fort Wayne, Indiana. I've been in Chicago for almost a decade now and when I was new here I was almost a tiny bit embarrassed to say I was from an Indiana, and not a lifelong Chicagoan. But eventually I became proud to announce my Fort Wayne roots, for the same reasons that my mother found you approachable- people from Fort Wayne DO get it, they understand families and communities and being a good neighbor moreso than any community I have ever lived in. Precisely zero of my Chicago-raised friends had their Congressional representatives speak to their third grade class and I've never heard of anyone's mother flagging down a congressman to ensure their child's safe travels. Reasons like that make me proud to be from your district.
I will just lay my cards on the table now. Dan Coats, I was personally hurt and disappointed to find your name on this list of killerbusters. I expect big-name Washington congressman to behave like money-grubing savages, but never you. You ARE too good for this and you know it.
But now you're attempting to pervert democracy and prevent even a debate about gun rights? Mr. Coats, debating and exchanging ideas is what propelled us third graders to achieve what we have. If you are "successful" in your preventing of ideas being exchanged, the fruits of your labor could be Aboite Elementary being the next Sandy Hook, or Homestead High School being the next Columbine. Or The Coventry 8 (if that still exists) being the next movie theater to be shot up by a mental patient with an AR-15.
About two decades ago you showed my mother a beautiful example of what a congressman could be. I'm afraid that if you keep palling around with the idiots I lampooned above, you'll be approached, not my by mothers like mine, but by crying mothers whose kids got mowed down by an assault rifle on your watch.
I'm a Fort Wayne boy, telling another Fort Wayne boy that you're coming dangerously close to being on the wrong side of history. I'd like to sound tough or snarky and say, "it's your legacy, I don't care what you do with it.". But I do care, Mr. Coats. I care for you and your legacy because you cared for my brother and his safety. My family will always appreciate you looking out for us because you cared, and this is me looking out for you because I care you.
Also, I don't want to get shot in the face while I'm at the movies.