You look smart! So smart, in fact, that I know you read the headline and got my point immediately and don't require any kind of an intro to slow you down before reading this list. So I won't insult your intelligence with (any more of) an intro other than to say, I hope people resolve to stop doing the following in 2013
1. No one cares what you are eating.
Stupidly, Instagraming one's food before you begin eating has become the new saying grace. For those guilty parties, let's go over why you're excited to eat that Instagram-worthy dish:
1) You like that kind of food, 2) You ordered it and have been excited to eat that very dish for a couple minutes, 3) You are hungry right now!!! especially for that dish, 4) You can smell the food since it's 5 inches away from you, 5) You can see that dish clearly despite the low lighting.
And which of these should you assume is also true for me? None.
Putting your food on social media is low-grade form of the humble brag, and is the grown-up equivalent of playing with your food. What's the upside to all of that? None, so don't do it.
To recap: You're the one that that's excited to eat that dish (not me). When most people get food they claim to be excited about here's what they do: Eat it quickly.
But you do this instead: Take a picture, upload it, comment on it, then eat. Isn't it ironic that the person broadcasting their love for the food is the person who takes the longest to dig in?
This stupidity reaches a crescendo when we actually get a dimly-lit pic of a food and we just think, 'What a humble-bragging fatty. Why would I care to look at a pic of a Nicoise Salad? Can't they just show this to who they're eating with? Oh, they're probably eating alone again...."
2. Notes to You Know Who
This phenomenon seems to rear it's head when someone is either upset with with someone they're close to or when they're crushing on someone.
On one end of the spectrum, their tweets/status updates that go something like, "Sometimes things happen that really show you who your REAL friends are and who is FAKE!!". Those messages leave you thinking, "Ok, I hope that's not me. Did I forget something?". Conversely, on the end of the spectrum are tweets like, "No better way to spend a Tuesday than knowing after work you're taking out a beautiful woman to see a movie ;-)", or, "Funny how a note from a gorgeous lady can make you forget you were having a horrible day ;-)".
If you're on the first end of the spectrum: have a face-to-face sitdown with whoever wronged you and get it over with.
If you're in the other end of the spectrum: Text them a picture of your most attractive private part with a text saying, "Lucky you", and get it over with.
3. Get This Trending!!!!!
Throughout my lifetime I've seen dozens of nicknames evolve from first utterance into a full blown nickname for a variety of entities, including, friends (calling my hairy friend Tim, "Hairy") , inanimate objects (grocery store Big Apple = Big Crapple), and events ( people exiting a Green Line stop = Migration of the Unwashed).
Over the years I've noticed that most nicknames start the same way: The first person just blurts it out and then someone else repeats it/takes that nickname out for a test drive, then after they repeat it they'll giggle or give you a look like, "Yeah. Yeah, that felt good. I like that one." and a nickname is made.
But of all the fledgling nicknames I've seen take flight, NONE have ever left the ground when someone says the following after hearing the nickname: "Haha, oh my God, that's new your new nickname!!".
That never works because they're forcing it and if people don't honestly like the nickname enough to use it, it won't work. Nicknames, much like romance, can't evolve from guilting, persuasion or sheer will, but rather MUST evolve organically.
And so it is for trending topics. Zero trending topics got their start by people obliging a doofus that tweeted, "Get this trending!!!!!!!".
4. Incessant Politics
I have a question for those whose majority of their tweets/status updates are political: Do you remember when I called you on Election Day to make sure my political opinions aligned with yours?
Wait, you DON'T remember me calling you on Election Day? Oh, then I must not give a shit. Your bad.
Here is my attempt at masochism to prove my point:
nomnom #TeamHealthyBreakfast Does this breakfast remind a certain someone of the breakfast we ate one VERY entertaining (and exhausting ;-)), Saturday? Don't be a communist, Muslim, radical, gun repossesser like Obama, GET THIS TRENDING!!!!! #TeamHealthyBreakfast