8 Essential Election Night Questions Answered

8 Essential Election Night Questions Answered

1. Will CNN use overly elaborate technology?

Well, duh. Sure some of it is super cool and useful  but at least 10% is just the tech version of gilding the lily. The better questions are: Will they let Wolf Blitzer touch any of it, Will John King be the only one who can use it properly and will you wonder how Roland Martin is still on the air?

No, Yes and Yes.

2. Will we see a Twitter Fail Whale?

No.

3.  Are people stupid for voting for Jesse Jackson Jr.? 

Oh my God yes. If ever I begin to think humans are rational beings, I will remember that Jesse Jackson Jr. was elected via vox populi, even though he  essentially told the voting public, "Hey everybody, I wanted to let you know- YES, I am running for office. And YES, I won't be able to perform my duties due to mental and/or emotional instabilities. Thanks!"

4. Since it's always hilarious when Asian people say "election" because it sounds like they're saying "erection" what are the best ways to get Asian people to say "election"?

You want to go to places where you know Asians are- Chinatown, maybe an Asian restaurant, maybe your dry cleaner, and  the Art Institute.

Once that's accomplished, you want to take control of the conversation and ask a question that forces them to say "election".  So you may want to ask what they're doing after work and hope they answer,  "watching the election".  If they answer "voting", you can counter with, "Oh, you mean for Dancing With the Stars?", thereby making them say, "no, for president", to which you feign absentmindedness and say, "Oh duh! In the presidential, uhh, what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Erection!"

Moneybags.

5. Will the outcome of the election be determined by 9pm Central Time?

Yes. Ohio polls close at 6:30 pm CT.

6. When asked by a reporter, "How are you?", Will Bill Clinton reply honestly for the first time ever and finally answer with, "I'm horny, thanks."?

YES! I'm calling it right now. It's time. He is gonna do it tomorrow.

7. What's the Over/Under for number of uses for names during election coverage? 

Here are the Over/Under on frequency of mentions by name during election coverage for any given channel (n.b. these numbers won't work for MSNBC or Fox News)

Kennedy: 24 (This won't work with MSNBC because Chris Matthews will mention him at least 45 times, 38 of which will be used with the annoyingly familiar "Jack Kennedy" since Chris went boating with him all the time.)

Clinton: 36

Reagan: 29 (wouldn't work with FoxNews as they'd average this per segment.)

Ohio: 115

Bush: 65

Gore: 30

Kerry: 14

Total # of US Presidents listed: 13

Chris Christie Fat Jokes: .5 (the line is 2 on Fox News)

Hurricane Sandy: 35

Mormon: 4 (zero for Fox)

Kenya: 1 (9 for Fox)

David Axelrod will shave his 'stache if Romney wins PA: 3

 

8. Who Will Win?

Obama 307-231

 

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