Join Me In Filling Out My Application To Become The First Male Model On The Price Is Right

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If there's one thing we can all agree on it's that modeling is the world's most demanding profession. The standing, the putting on clothing that someone else has already picked out for you, the constant sexiness expectations, it's all too much. But sometimes, it's all worth it. Like when you have the opportunity to change the public's perception of what a model can do, or more specifically, what a male model can do. If I had listened to everyone growing up who tried to tell me that I couldn't pretend to ride a jet ski through a set of cardboard waves while strangers yelled out gross overstatements of their value I wouldn't be where I am today: putting the finishing touches on my application to be the first male model in the history of The Price Is Right. I thought it could be a good exercise to complete the form together, that way you can claim to have known me before I became that piece of meat over Drew Carey's shoulder.

Have you ever formally or otherwise changed your name or used an alias or another name? If so, what other names and/or aliases have you used?

No...well, okay. In the interest of full disclosure, I will tell you that when I order at a restaurant that asks for your name so they can call it out when the food is ready, I often give the person a fake name. Aliases I've used in these cases include Bobby, Billy, Jimbo, Julius, Teddy, Kanye, Hans, Leroy, Geoff (pronounced phonetically), Bert, Ernie, Horace and James Van Der Beek.

What is the highest level of education you’ve completed?

I'm sorry, I must have wandered onto the wrong application. I was trying to apply for the job where I smile and gently run the back of my hand along the edge of a dinette set.

Are you a professional performer within the entertainment industry? If so, what do you do?

I am. As long as community theater counts. And by community theater I of course mean street performing. Does that count? Because it should. I do things that real statues could only dream of.

What is your current occupation?

Oh, I don't want to bore you talking about my house pet spaying and neutering business.

List three adjectives that best describe you:

  • Angry
  • Bad at counting
  • 6
  • Not 100% sure what an adjective is
  • So Very Angry
  • Wait, can I start over?

Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself and why you think you'd make a great model on The Price Is Right?

I may not be the tallest applicant or the best looking or the most qualified or fully clothed. My jaw may not be the squarest and my chin may not be the most cleft. And sure, I have bags under my eyes and my ears are too large for my head. Then there's the body hair and the poor posture and the series of raised, discolored moles that dot my pale, milky skin. Yes, I'm likely the only candidate that has a rat tail and I believe that cameras steal my soul so I refuse to be filmed or photographed in any way. But those are all just superficial reasons to ignore my candidacy, and you and I both know that superficiality has no place in the modeling world.

Have you ever applied for and/or appeared on any reality TV shows, dating shows or game shows? If yes, please list the name of the show and how far you went in the selection process:

No, but when I was a kid I had plans to be on "Studs," but then life got in the way. Also, it was canceled when I was 13.

Have you ever made or appeared in a home video or photograph in which you or another person appeared nude or topless (female)? If “Yes,” please provide details, including approximate date, participant(s) names, and the names of whomever has copies of the video.

Do babies count...I mean, um, babes. Do babes count? Because, you caught me. I've appeared in many videos and photographs with a number of nude and/or topless females. Totally hot ones. But no one else knows about that or has ever seen them because I don't want anyone else to feel bad that they're not hanging with topless chicks, too. But it's all true, seriously. Just don't ask anyone about it because they don't know or if they do they'll probably lie and say I haven't just to make me look bad. But it's all true. Just ask me.

Have you ever made or appeared in a sexually explicit video recording or other sexually provoking video or photo, including ‘soft’ porn and/or Playboy style videos or photos?

I haven't, but I have a friend that looks exactly like me and he has. He goes by Horace.

If “Yes,” please provide details, including the medium, who was filming/photographing, who appears in the recording, and who retains copies of the recording.

I'm sorry, I must have wandered into a Penthouse Forum. I was just trying to apply for the job where I smile and hand a creepy guy his skinny microphone.

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