Archive for May 2012

26 Things That Used to be Better, According to my Old Man

26 Things That Used to be Better, According to my Old Man
This is my father’s list, every single one except #18. Even though he thought up all the items and explained them to me when necessary, I did the writing. Whenever I could, I quoted my old man from a series of very-brief emails he sent me to explain a few on his list. I’ll be... Read more »

Justin Bieber's History With Violence

Justin Bieber's History With Violence
On Sunday May 27th Justin Bieber punched a paparazzo in the jaw, hospitalizing the wussy man. Could we have seen this coming? Let’s check out Justin’s history with violence and see if we can pinpoint a few warning signs of malice- like did he just hang out with Mike Tyson right beforehand or something?   1.... Read more »

Five Characteristics of the Effective Protester

Five Characteristics of the Effective Protester
The NATO summit began yesterday in Chicago. I know, it was news to me, too. I didn’t hear a word about it and I watch the news every day; you’d think Seacrest or Giuliana would’ve mentioned something. But it is apparently something people are talking about, and a big reason has been the potential for... Read more »
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6 Ways to Make Your Job More Like College

6 Ways to Make Your Job More Like College
A few words of advice to the graduating class of 2012 from Dan P, the assistant professor of partying all/some of the time. I’d like to congratulate the class of 2012 and welcome them to the work world. As much fun as college was, you unfortunately cannot make a career out of chugging booze, creeping... Read more »

Advice for the Graduating Class of 2012: T.R. Slyder Edition

Advice for the Graduating Class of 2012: T.R. Slyder Edition
As college graduations draw near we at Lists That Actually Matter would like to serve as the tour guides to success for our recent graduates. Because, like Whitney Houston, we believe children are our future. But that is not all- we also do cocaine,   marijuana,  Xanax, the muscle relaxant Flexeril and Benadryl in bathtubs... Read more »

A Few Words of Advice for the Graduating Class of 2012

This week, the distinguished faculty of Lists That Actually Matter offers their advice to the graduating class of 2012. Today, a few words from Tony, Professor of Whatever Subject Would Impress You Most. Graduates, Congratulations, you’ve made it. By which I mean, you’ve made it to this post. Way to go. I’m proud of you,... Read more »
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11 Words You Hear Only When Paired With a Certain Other Word

11 Words You Hear Only When Paired With a Certain Other Word
The other day someone told me something wasn’t too shabby and I realized that I never hear the word “shabby” unless I am hearing that something is “not too shabby.”. No one ever says something is shabby, and really, I’m not even sure what shabby means because I don’t know what a shab is. That... Read more »

5 Things Not To Get Mom For Mother's Day

5 Things Not To Get Mom For Mother's Day
After years of disappointing mom, it’s about time you got your sh*t together and finally gave her the Mother’s Day she deserves.  How do you do that?  Simply avoid these 5 things. 5. A Gym Membership:  “Hey, mom, after years of spending all your time looking after me, you sorta let yourself go, so here is... Read more »

Talk Derby to Me: T.R. Slyder Interviews All 20 Kentucky Derby Horses

Talk Derby to Me: T.R. Slyder Interviews All 20 Kentucky Derby Horses
            I’d like to thank my shadowy go-between who makes this interview possible every year. The nameless figure, we’ll call him Sleazy D.Z., is an  Arlington Park higher-up who makes this interview possible. For legal reasons, I am not at liberty to discuss any further the methodology entailed in any... Read more »
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Eight Things To Consider Before Moving

Eight Things To Consider Before Moving
Thinking about moving? Yeah, don’t. Ever. Stay exactly where you are no matter the circumstances or number of harshly worded eviction notices you receive. Space constraints? You’d be surprised how many children can sleep comfortably in a bathtub. Even more so if it’s empty. Fact is, no matter the distance, moving sucks. It blows. It’s... Read more »