5 Things Not To Get Mom For Mother's Day

5 Things Not To Get Mom For Mother's Day

After years of disappointing mom, it's about time you got your sh*t together and finally gave her the Mother's Day she deserves.  How do you do that?  Simply avoid these 5 things.

5. A Gym Membership:  "Hey, mom, after years of spending all your time looking after me, you sorta let yourself go, so here is 3-month membership to the cheapest gym I could find.  Love ya!"  Guys, moms are women too, and no woman wants to be told directly or indirectly that they could lose a few pounds.  They have plenty of friends gossiping behind their backs about that already.

4. Your Laundry: "Hey, mom!  I came back home to spend the day with you!  And I brought all my laundry, just like the old days!  Let me know when it is done and I'll order some Chinese.  If you need me, I'll be nursing this hangover in my childhood bedroom."

3. Baseball Tickets: Now don't jump the gun on Father's Day and accidentally get mom a present meant for dad.  And, you don't want to give mom tickets to the thing that has been slowly stealing away her husband's already fading attention span.

2. Kitchen Utensils:  "Mom, here are some new knives.  And, what's for dinner, anyway?"  Mom was cooking all those years, not as a recreational hobby, but as a means to keep you alive and make sure you ate right.  Unfortunately, eating right back then meant red meat, 8 glasses of milk, and drenching all veggies in liquid cheese.

1. Booze: Great.  After years and years of slaving away to give you the childhood she wished she had, the thing you remember most about her is that she loves the sauce.  That should make mom feel great.  And, seriously, her doctor said a little red wine with dinner was healthy, so a full bottle must be really healthy.

Filed under: Mom, Mother's Day

Tags: Gifts, Mother's Day, presents

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  • Funny & well done.

  • Ignoring the surfeit of clichés in this "commentary," if the Tribune's writers don't know the difference between "new knives" and "knew knives," shouldn't it have editors who do?

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    Ha, also don't get those as gifts to women in general. But here's one idea that I love, up-and-coming Chicago company: http://www.storkstack.com/

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