Five Things You're Entirely Too Proud of Yourself for Doing

Five Things You're Entirely Too Proud of Yourself for Doing

Are you like me? Do you think I'm great? Well, I really have to agree with you on that one. But chances are, you think you're pretty great, too. And you probably think a number of things you do are also great. I think that about myself, too. God, we're great, aren't we? Congratulations. You've earned it. In honor of all we've achieved, I wrote this list one-handed while the other was busy patting me on the back. Which, is in itself, quite an accomplishment, if I do say so myself. Tell your friends.

Emptying the Dishwasher. Did it without even being asked. What a wonderful husband I am. You know, honey, men of previous generations don't do things like this. I've never once seen grandpa empty the dishwasher. Of course, he also fought on D-Day, but really, what good are honor and freedom if don't even know where to put your ramekins when they're clean?

Flossing. I rarely feel as big a sense of accomplishment as when I get a particularly large food chunk out while flossing. I'll announce it to be sure that anyone within earshot knows of my not-at-all-disgusting flossing prowess. "Oh, look at that! That would have just sat in my gums and probably given me gingivitis from which I never would have recovered, if I had not had the foresight to attack it." Then there is the post-flossing glow, where I look at my teeth in the mirror as though they're going to instantly look healthier and then proceed to recap, usually for my wife. She's a lucky woman.

Letting Another Car In. What a kind and benevolent soul I am. I could have pretended that I didn't see that other motorist inching his way out, saving myself eight whole seconds on this commute. But no, that is simply not my way. Instead, I voluntarily waved him in. I wish that I had a passenger so they could see this. But alas, like the time I allowed pedestrians to cross the street instead of running them down, only I will know about this unprecedented act of...HEY! HOW ABOUT A THANK YOU WAVE, ASSHOLE?!

Killing a Bug. What's this? A creature has entered the house? Step aside, I'll handle this. You've disrupted our lives for the last time. This is about the point when, in my mind, I become John McClane, speaking aloud in pithy one-liners as I stalk the insect. (My wife—again, she's very lucky—has been, for unknown reasons, thus far unwilling to play Reginald VelJohnson's role of Sgt. Powell. I've tried to explain to her that roles like that only come along once in a lifetime. Unless you're Reginald VelJohnson, in which case they come along every time you're offered a part. But no dice.) "Oh hey, glad you could stop by, bug. Say, have you read today's paper? Extra! Extra! 'Bug killed by newspaper.'" Then—BOOM—bug juice everywhere. "Clean up on aisle wall." I'm still working out some kinks in my catchphrases.

Finishing a Book. I'll slam the book shut to announce it's completion and then take a deep breath as I review the cover again. Yep, title is still the same. You know, I remember when I started this book. Didn't even know the ending. But look at me now. It's over. I really did it. And this one didn't even have pictures. No one believed in me, but in the face of it all, I read words. I'll probably do it again. I'm just such a voracious reader. I'm constantly reading: books, periodicals, road signs, emails, video game menu screens, text messages, dictionaries to look up the word "periodicals," anything really.

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  • This is great-all so true. Speaking of minor 'accomplishments' which induce an unwarranted sense of pride- I had just recently tweeted something to the effect of "Every time I wash-and moreover vaccum/clean the inside my car, I feel like I've split the atom or something".

    And btw-when people don't wave/in some way acknowledge the "car wave in"- I get irrationally upset....it makes me-for the moment-quite cynical about mankind.

    Good stuff as always

  • Maybe you should add "Writing a List" to this list.

  • Hilarious - and oh so true. I do feel especially holy and worthy when I empty the dishwasher as it's my most unfave job in the house. Fortunately my husband seems to get there first most of the time. (Wonder how that happens.)
    And yes, although it's a lovely saintly feeling one gets when letting another car cut in in front, it really ruins my day when they don't even acknowledge me. I usually point out to my kids that they're one of those "special people".

  • yes that 1 person in 489 that I let in and he doesn't wave ticks me off until we go our separate ways.

    If I would get a wave maybe I'll let the next one in before 489.

  • I just washed, dried, folded, and put away the laundry!!! Where's my crown?

    (and extra rubies for using the Oxford comma in my post. hail me!)

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    Bravo on the bug thing. A man's ability (and willingness) to kill an insect and dispose of its remains without shoving them in my face is a relationship maker/deal-breaker for me!

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