5 Reasons to Hate the Phoenix Coyotes

5 Reasons to Hate the Phoenix Coyotes

If there is one thing we've learned from politics over the last 12 years, it's that after your team loses, instead of reflecting and focusing on the mistakes they made, you focus all energy on hating the opponent.  Now I could focus on how the Hawks don't play with a sense of urgency until they are down in the 3rd period, how our goalie is scared of overtime, or how game 4 featured the two worst plays I have seen by a defensemen in the history of the NHL playoffs (both directly resulted in goals), but it is way more fun to focus on the things I hate about the Coyotes instead.  So, as Dave Chappelle famously said, "if you got hate in your heart, let it out!"

5. Raffi Torres: With a name like Raffi, you would think this guy designed clothes in Milan, but instead he is the most hateable Ginger this side of the Sedin twins.   Raffi, the goon that he is, took the ice in the first period of game 3 with one mission: take out a top player from the Hawks.  He had his first good chance to cheap shot a puck-less Hossa, and ran his shoulder through his head at full speed.  Classy.  Needless to say, the Scum-yotes were happy to trade Torres and his brick-hands for the guy with arguably the best hands in the NHL, Hossa.  One would think the NHL would want to have some sort of a discipline policy to disincentivize this exact behavior by goons.  Especially in the playoffs when the Hawks tough guys can't retaliate against a Scum-yotes top player because winning the game is the top priority.  Essentially, in the playoffs, the scummiest goons can cheap shot knowing full well that their stars will be okay because retaliation won't happen until next years regular season.  Good job, NHL.

4. Mike Smith:  Hockey was the one sport where players didn't take dives... and then Mike Smith ruined that in order to get Shaw and his antagonistic behavior in front of the net suspended.  Thanks, Mike, for bringing the shittiest part of soccer into hockey.  I bet in little league you cried every time you struck out.

3. Clutch-and-Grab defense: Before the NHL strike, teams like the Devils ruined hockey by utilizing a clutch-and-grab defensive plan on all skill players.  This involves holding guys jerseys, little hooks with the stick and other similar moves that prevent skill guys from gaining speed and doing their thing.  After the strike, the NHL began to finally police this appropriately and call more holding and interference penalties.  However, over the last two seasons, the NHL has slowly stopped policing it and have completely abandoned it in the playoffs (if you don't believe me, go check and see how much scoring is down the last two seasons).  The Coyotes do this all game to our top scoring lines and slow the game down to a speed in which they can beat the Hawks and bore all casual fans of hockey to death.   So, once again, the NHL can't get out of their own way and are slowly ruining the most entertaining sport.

2.  Nobody in Phoenix cares:  I used to think nothing was worse than losing to the Canucks or the Red Wings in the playoffs.  I was wrong.  It is way worse to lose to a team in which 98% of the city's populations doesn't even known that they have a hockey team.  Not only do the Scum-yotes have the worst home attendance in the NHL, but the Hawks average nearly 10 thousand more fans a game.  If the Scum-yotes win the Cup, I assume they will host a BBQ in the coach's backyard instead of holding a parade.

1. See #5 above

Comments

Leave a comment
  • I love the shout out to Dave Chappelle as Clayton Bixby!

Leave a comment