Oscars 2012: A Selection of Grossly Uninformed Picks


"I'd like to tell the Academy to SCRAM!"

Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I'm something of a film buff. Anything else they tell you is a damn lie (those cars were engulfed in flames when I borrowed them). So with the 84th Academy Awards just a few hours away, I thought what better time to show off my extensive knowledge of the cinema and gain the trust of those whose automobiles I've yet had a chance to borrow. Now before we begin, I should point out that I don't actually see movies. Too expensive. Plus, I refuse to patronize any establishment that tries to infringe on my right to hear the sound of my own voice for two hours. Shush yourself, pre-movie graphic from 1981! But rest assured, I've done my due diligence, whatever that means. I'm not really sure, didn't do the proper research.

Best Picture: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close - None of the other nominees are remotely as loud or close as this film. I think that clinches it in the eyes of the voters because they've likely been unable to see the other movies with this one being so thoroughly noisy and obstructive.

Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist - The writer/director of the unconventional French film wins because, when in those positions on a movie, it's important for a person to know their limitations. Hazanavicius knew that he loved writing movies and thought he could be successful doing it if not for all of the words. The solution? Either get rid of the dialogue and create a modern-day silent movie or invent a time machine to travel back and work during the 1920s. After losing six different monkeys during test runs, he decided on the former.

Best Actor: Brad Pitt, Moneyball - Pitt doesn't need to win any more awards to validate his career. He's already the owner of two prestigious Sexiest Man Alive Awards, after all. But he has a good chance to take home Oscar gold this year because the Academy loves when an actor is willing to stretch themselves and go out of his or her comfort zone, as Pitt did in Moneyball to play a charming, successful, and physically fit man with a high-paying job.

Best Actress: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady - Streep's portrayal of Margaret Thatcher, the first female British prime minister who is secretly a bloodthirsty robot hellbent on destroying the human race, should also result in a win for her film's makeup and special effects teams. But behind the repeated and frequent explosions, underneath the lasers and bulky metal suit, a complex character emerges that only a pro like Streep could bring so clearly to the surface. Plus, (SPOILER ALERT) the fact that The Iron Lady lives at the end of the movie leaves the door open for sequels. I'm already hearing rumors of a potential crossover blockbuster, "Iron Lady vs. War Horse: Death by Donnybrook", in the works for release in theaters Summer 2014!

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  • Iron Lady. Add coke and get Steel Magnolias.

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