Attainable New Year's Resolutions for the Rest of 2012

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Okay, do over.

So you've broken your New Year's resolution. So what? Does that make you a bad person? No, not really. Unless your resolution was to be a good person. In which case, yes, it does, and you can go straight to hell. But buck up; everyone makes mistakes. Look at it this way: making arbitrary, unrealistic promises to yourself that you know full well will never actually come to fruition is a great way to mentally prepare yourself for an election year. But if you're still feeling down, why not build up a little confidence by undertaking a new, attainable resolution? It's not too late. I've even offered a few can't-miss suggestions below to get you back on track. Now get out there and achieve!

For the rest of 2012, I will...

Think baby duckies are cute. Done and done.

Get my stabbing under control. One a week, max. For reals this time.

Learn what the Arab Spring is instead of just assuming that it's an unpopular brand of soap.

Build a better mousetrap, then use it to catch baby kangaroos and elephants.

Stop assuming that baby kangaroos and elephants are just giant mice.

Spend more time with family members. Not necessarily your own, just any person who happens to be a member of any family.

Meet someone. Again, not necessarily someone for a relationship. Just someone—anyone—in general. You can do it! Hell, I'll even count this. Hi, I'm Tony. Nice to meet you. There, finished.

Be more assertive. Maybe, I think. Nevermind, that's stupid. Unless...do you think it's a good idea?

Use more umlauts. The tilde's forgotten freckled cousin.

Quit smoking. And start snorting!

Be smart with my money. So you can finally save up enough to buy that hoverboard.

Volunteer. How else are you going to make enough of that sweet, sweet cash to buy a hoverboard?

Discuss all large, important life decisions with my spouse/significant other. It's important to carefully weigh the pros and cons of all decisions. So, for instance, getting matching facial tattoos. Pro: Looks awesome. Con: May be a little too real for the squares conducting your child's kindergarten entry interview.

Wash below my knees in the shower even if it isn't my birthday.

Not run for president. The stress on my family would just be too great. To say nothing of the stress on those members of other families with which I've also been spending a lot of time in order to fulfill previous resolutions.

Read more. It could be books, newspapers or magazines. Not the actual things, per se, but you can read about an era when those things existed. What a simple, backwards time!

Take better care of myself. Even if that means taking worse care of others. Sorry children, pets and the elderly, but you have to grow up some time.

Say it with me, "This year I will Like Lists That Actually Matter on Facebook."

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  • "This is the year I will start to like Lists That Actually Matter."

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