This list pertains to those of you in a new, couple-months-old relationship and not our single or long-term relationship readers. Because if you are single, you are going to dollar beer night and vulturing on the loneliest girl in the bar, and if you are in a long-term relationship, you've already survived the unrealistic roller-coaster ride of Valentine's day expectations before.
For those of you in a new relationship: today will either end with you landing in a serious relationship or single and rushing out to catch your other single friends who are already a few beers deep at said dollar beer night bar. Whether you want to purposely get dumped (because acting like a dick and getting dumped is easier than dumping) or want to avoid getting dumped, read closely.
8. Tell her how much you love Chris Brown: "I think it is great that society has forgiven, Chris. I mean we all make minor mistakes, and society should be able to forgive and forget. And, seriously, that guy is amazing at dancing and making songs to grind to at the club."
7. Bring her out with your friends: Nothing shows a young lady you aren't ready for a mature relationship quite like bringing her out with a group of 7 dudes all looking to use Valentine's Day to take advantage of an emotionally vulnerable girl.
6. Watch Blue Valentine together: This movie is to relationships and marriage what Requiem for a Dream is to drug use. And, after sitting through Blue Valentine, the young lady in your life is sure to think heroin is safer than marriage.
5. "Valentine's Day is just a holiday created by the corporate giant Hallmark to get people to associate material things with love."
4. "I thought you said you weren't into Valentine's Day?": Ladies, you can retire that lie now. We never believed it.
3. After saying #4, finish it off with "Oh... I already made plans with the guys. We are going to dollar beer night": Drop the #4-#3 combo on a young lady, and you will find yourself back swimming with the singles after a 30-minute yelling session.
2. Reference a better gift you got an ex-GF: "I remembered you saying you loved Dirty Dancing, so I got you the DVD! My last girlfriend I flew to New York for Valentine's Day, but I could tell you weren't into material things like that... and that's why we work."
1. "I don't believe in marriage. It's not natural for one man and one woman to exclusively be together for their entire lives."