Yo. I'm all your annoying co-workers combined into one. Allow me to break down a few of my go-to moves.
1. I Comment on your clothes before I say good morning. "Black riding boots with all black everything else? So how did tryouts go for the movie role of 'Member of Evil Equestrian Team'?" Has gotten results for me in the past.
2. I Comment on your food while you are chewing it, so you can't reply. The ideal for me is to walk by someone at their desk minding their own business just as they put something in their mouth and I'll walk by and say something like, "Jeez, why don't you put whole thing in your mouth? What the hell is that?? Dog food on wheat? Sick." and keep walking. Their mouth will be too full to reply with an answer, and by the time that bite is chewed and swallowed and they can actually reply I'm already long gone.
3. I love long lunches. I get hungry and I prefer to eat out of the building. Get over it.
4. I use compliments to pass off work onto you- "We need a smart person who knows all about the new program- and it isnt like I could ask Gary- plus I know you're really good at dealing with people and Greg in Denver LOVES you- so you can call him and tell him we can't hit the deadline we promised him?? Thanks."
5. If there happens to be one cup left in the coffee pot I take it and don't make more. Why would I? I got what I wanted, why would I make a whole pot of coffee when I have no idea if anyone else even wants any? If you want a cup you should make it. I didn't make mine, but I would've if I had to. I just didn't have to.
6. Hey man, what's going on? That's cool. *picks up your stapler and plays with it* What did you do this weekend? Oh so you're not paying attention to me and you're still typing while I talk? In fact, you haven't taken your eyes off your screen to look at me- making it almost seem like you're actually busy and this isn't a good time for you to make small talk?
Hint not taken. I'm still gonna talk until I feel like stopping. Anyway, so listen to how wasted my buddy's cousin got last weekend....
7. I am annoying, so not surprisingly, so is my family. Particularly my overweight, lazy, unattractive spouse. My kids are overweight, lazy, disrespectful and they take after all the annoying habits of my spouse. I mean what could be more annoying than that, right?
Oh right, hearing the same 4 complaints about them everyday.
8. Hi there. I'm the younger, awesomer, 20-something year old version of the annoying person above. My big four areas of complaining? I'm single, I'm broke, I am still reeling from (fill in the blank) health issue and I hate this job.
9. Before finishing this list I asked my Dad if he had any suggestions and he said, "It always bothered me when people took credit for something I did. Although, that isn't particularly funny, so I don't know if you can use that.".
Come to think of it, my old man didn't suggest that at all. It was actually me that suggested it to him. I'm so glad I just remembered I thought of that....
10. I leave stankin' food-garbage in the garbage can near your desk. Not in the trash bin in the kitchen area, nor do I dispose of it at my desk- I throw it away while I'm talking with you at your desk. Please don't think I'm talking about leaving dainty food-trash like empty candy bar wrappers- I'm talking half-eaten bowl of chili or what's left of my tuna wrap. Sure it will stink out your area for the rest of the day, but it could be worse: I could have the stinky trash.
11. Being a jovial guy I like to interact with my co-workers even if they're occupying a restroom stall. I pride myself on being able to guess the stall-user in 3 guesses or under based their shoes. Once I guess correctly they are usually cool with some small talk, and if you're not and try to give me an attitude about it I just tell the entire office that you're taking a dump as soon as I leave.