Disadvantages to Having the Mafia as Your Bank


Some banks will try anything to get a buck out of its patrons. Fees, minimum account balances, strangulation with piano wire. There's no end to the ways you'll be nickel and dimed. Although the latter penalty is currently only a concern for people in Italy as they contend with the fact that the mafia is now their largest bank. While there could be some advantages to such an arrangement – how many bankers let you kiss their kickass rings – there  are considerable disadvantages, too. So just be sure to consider the downside before you run out and put all of your money into Cosa Nostra Community Savings Bank.

ATM fees replaced by favors. In order to withdraw money, one of the legitimate businessmen working at your branch may ask you to do something for him, such as hide his firearm, dig a hole, or dig a hole in which to hide his firearm. And while you may struggle with the ethical implications of your decision should you agree, your morals are a small price to pay to avoid that $3 charge.

Deposit insurance only covers you up to amounts calculable in items that have fallen off the back of a truck. Don't think of it as losing your savings. Think of it as gaining a whole bunch of cartons of cigarettes.

Tellers take action on sporting events. And the branch managers will even come directly to you when you're behind on your "deposits." That's convenience!

"Taking Care of That Thing" is a frequent and randomly reoccurring bank holiday.

Anyone opening an account must be prepared to be checked for a wire. Account holders who can't keep their mouths shut could be subject to additional fees and/or garroting.

Loan approvals and interest rates are dependent on how your banker has been doing at the track.

Customer support is in India. There's just no way around it!

Overdraft fee is a pistol whipping. But on a positive note, you will definitely be more diligent about your bookkeeping in the future.

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