Let's face it, we could all tighten up our game a little in 2012. I'm here to help.
Herman Cain: If you're going to write a book and then get caught cheating, make sure Barnes & Noble doesn't have it in this section:
The CTA: Your "Holiday Train" has man dressed as Santa Claus riding on his own flatbed train car, while the passenger cars play Christmas music. Also in the traincars for the "Holiday Train": people dressed as elves distributing candy canes, no advertisements- they are replaced by Christmas-themed jokes instead, re-upholstered seats with a Christmas theme. In 2012 I think you can just call it the Christmas Train.
Hot Rod Blagojevich: No matter what happens in prison- don't lose that 'do. If you have to prison-rig a hair dryer by burning some paper plates while fanning them toward your coiffure, you do it! And if you eventually go bald and you have to do some freelance drug mulin' in order to score a little scratch to buy some rogaine from a prison guard at a 600% markup, you do it!
TV Weathermen: Relaaax. You guys can be wrong 5 times a week and you will still have your job. Go out, have some fun, get a little weird.
Kanye West: Realize we all think your fashion sense sucks, even though we love your music.
Piers Morgan: OH come on! Just admit you hacked the mobile phones of people of interest while you edited The News of the World. Your tell-all book from that will make you way more famous than your Summer's-Eve-bag talk show ever will.
ESPN: Get rid of 95% of your on air personalities on both sides of the camera and start over.
Congress: Do the right thing and impose term limits. Even if you exempt yourselves from it, and have it start with the next new Congressmen.
Billy Bush: Try standing up while you pee sometime.
Local Television News: 2 things actually, 1) Don't use fear as a teaser, like "What you might be doing right now that's killing your baby- tune in at 11.", and 2) Stop with inter-anchor banter where they jest that the weather person controls the weather. It's getting really tough to take.
The Kardashians: That will be all, thank you. That's quite enough.
and less famously,
Me: Never to forget this: