5 Reasons I'm Devastated the Trump Debates Won't Happen

5 Reasons I'm Devastated the Trump Debates Won't Happen

Hearing that Donald Trump would moderate a GOP debate was like a syringe full of glee being jammed into my heart, followed by the benevolent thumb of God plunging the full payload of glee directly in.

I was excited-  not only because  my politics tend to lean left and I thought this would harm the GOP's legitimacy- but because I am first and foremost  a Warholian pop-culture junkie.

I wanted to see this spectacle go down.

I was prepared to pop popcorn and have friends over for this one.  This was going to be a pop-culture circus spectacle blowout extravaganza and I was not about to miss out.  Donald even promised to endorse a candidate afterward!!!

My glee was eroded when I learned that every Republican candidate has rejected his invitation except for Newty G. and Rick Santorum, hardly making for an inclusive debate of all viable candidates.

The candidates felt that Trump, being a self-described winner, had already planned to endorse the front-running Gingrich at the end of the debate, so there was no reason for them to attend. Hell, Even Michelle Bachman had too much pride and gravitas to subject herself to the Trumpian spectacle. And with only two candidates- the leader and a no-name, my guess is that the debate won't happen.

Here is what I'm sad I will be missing:

1) Trump's Hardly-Noticable Obvious Plugs for his Show:

"Now Rick Perry, let's face it: Your ego is Texas-sized and the numbers show that every person in America fell madly in love with how I tabled Omorasa's ego- which was the size of three Texases by the way, that being said, how would you make Congress get along better?"

 

2) Slanting it Toward Newt

Trump promised to endorse whoever won the debate.  Here is what was obvious: 1) Trump wants to be on the winning side, 2) He was going to endorse whoever was currently in the lead- (Does that make him a Newtist?)  3) He had to make sure Newt won the debate, and  4) He would lob softballs to Newty while grilling everyone else,  5) He'd have to do it subtly, 6) Trump sucks at subtlety.

It was going to be ugly/awesome and I just wanted to see it.

 

3) Insulting the Also-Rans

We all know that the nomination is between Gingrich and Romney, and those are the only candidates the viewers would actually tune in to see and hear. So how could the Donald make for entertaining television while simultaneously engaging the peripheral candidates yet making the front runners look good?

By  insulting them as he is wont to do. Oddly, debate moderators tend only to "moderate" but I was confident Trump would, well, trump that convention and and resort to name-calling, finger-pointing, interrupting, insulting and reminding them that they aren't as awesome as himself.

Again, I wanted to see this.

4) The Legitimate Aspect

Sure, we all knew this debate would be at least 95% pomp and 5% actual ideas-, but I was still excited about that 5%. While he may be a miserable blowhard, a Trump grilling of potential GOP nominees could still prove interesting. He sure as hell wouldn't let candidates get away with their usual question-dodging answers-  he'd ask direct questions and abrasively challenge their BS-laden generalizations and hold their feet to the fire when necessary.

Where Wolf Blitzer may hold back in order to not damage future relations with candidates, or preserve his political balance- we can all count on the Donald to not give a f#%k.

Candidates these days are handled by handlers who make sure their candidates are handled delicately by carefully- handled interviewers.

The Donald just wants fireworks so he can look awesome. Where else can you go to get that in a political debate?

 

5) Rick Perry vs. Donald Trump

I wanted these two macho son-of-a-bitches to lock horns and decide once and for all who is the bigger badass- a New York badass, or a Texas badass. Either way it was gonna be epic. And honestly, I just wanted to know once and for all- if loud Texans are more badass than loud New Yorkers.

Additionally, it would have been nice to have Donald make fun of Rick for appearing in his latest campaign ad  where he says gays in the military is "wrong" while he wears the exact Heath Ledger coat from Brokeback Mountain.

 

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  • Hilarious that he wore the same jacket as Heath. And I think you should copyright the word "newtist"

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