In a way, holiday travel is a metaphor for the holidays in general. During both, you'll often find yourself eating poorly, sitting closer than you'd like to talkative drunks and falling asleep in uncomfortable seated positions. As you prepare to get on your way, be ready to hear the stories typical of this time of year on the news: "Air traffic is expected to increase 35% this year." "AAA estimates that over 20 million people will travel the nation's highways over the next two days." "While neat, unicycles are still a highly specialized and inefficient way to travel long distances." But don't buy into all of the media hype. Traveling around the holidays is easy, as long as you have a few useful pointers to prepare you. Until we can track down some of those, here are a few of my ideas to get you ready.
Traveling through the air:
Don't plan too far ahead. Thinking about it will only stress you out.
Travel light, but remember to wear clothing.
Get what you want by yelling at people. The only way to expedite a delay is to speak loudly and frantically to anyone within earshot or to no one in particular.
Bring something with you to read that's not pornography. I have plenty of erotic novel recommendations if needed. (Spoiler alert for my next list.)
Save time by skipping the hand washing portion of bathroom use. Luckily, I regularly see many of you taking this advice already.
Book the middle seat. Then you'll have a second person to talk to when the other one pretends to be asleep.
Always be aware of the location of the nearest Cinnabon to your gate.
Resist the urge to heart punch people that tell you to "pack your patience."
Wrap gifts beforehand so that TSA workers have something to look forward to. Wait 'til you see the looks on their otherwise joyless faces.
Breeze through security by wearing bread bags for shoes and an extension cord belt.
Hitting the roads:
Wear diapers. Sitting in your own excrement is a small price to pay for making great time.
Get there faster by dangerously exceeding posted speed limits.
Only pick up trustworthy hitchhikers. Characteristics of a trustworthy hitchhiker include a tightly knotted bindle, a thumb, the ability to write clearly and concisely on a pizza box, and minimal blood stains on hands and clothing.
Text or email while driving to pass the time.
Multitask by doing your holiday shopping at truck stops. Embroidered, oversized Winnie the Pooh t-shirts and sassy can koozies say more than words ever could.
Refuel on the go by investing in a fighter jet.
Periodically stop at rest areas to feel better about the way you look in comparison to society in general.
Be prepared with an emergency kit. This should include all of the essentials: a flashlight, batteries, a blanket, road flares, erotic novels and at least three different dogs trained to go get help.
Train your dogs to go get help. This should probably be before that last one.
Break up the drive by stopping at roadside attractions. Or, if you're driving through Indiana, don't.
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