Last year around marathon time I wrote a list on the 5 Things to hate about marathon runners. That list upset the marathonites (aka marathon runners) greatly, and they all immediately went for 12-miler to burn off their anger, reflect, and get their endorphin level back up. (If I was doing a Runner's Love list, endorphin level would probably be #1. Runners F-ing love talking about endorphin levels). Even Runner's World magazine got mad at me for making a few jokes at the expense of our cardio warriors. I know what you are thinking: how in the F is there an entire magazine dedicated to running? I thought the same thing. How many ways can you possibly tell people that it is vital to stride with their right foot after striding with their left? I know it is tempting to go left-left, but you will fall, so go left-right. Anyhow, since our favorite New Balance rockers took the joke so well the first time, I thought I'd write a follow-up list on a few more wonderful things to hate (or dislike if you don't like using the H-word) about marathon runners:
5. The Money Grubbing: No, Sarah from Accounting, I don't want to donate $20 so you can have an excuse to workout, talk to co-workers, and act self-righteous. "I figured the least I could do for the kids in Mongolia was run 26.2 miles after all they've been through. So, anyway, can I count on you to donate a few bucks and come out and support me on October 11th? It's for the kids." Actually, Sarah, I had already planned a trip to Mongolia that week to go build houses and give the clothes off of my own back to those same kids. Sorry. Looks like I have a conflict. But, Sarah, one of my friends is raising money to donate to AIDS patients in Africa if he completes all 90-days of the P90X training program. I have a donation form right here. We are all gonna go watch him on day 90 and cheer him on.
4. Runner Groups: It's this group you can join, and you run with other people who also run - sorta - well, if they run at the same pace as you, then you run with them. You also talk about running, stretching, running related clothes, running related foods, and the weather and how weather impacts running conditions. Sometimes you even share a couple of Mich Ultras at the finish line or head over to Einstein's after a run and crush some bagels while talking about different races you've participated in. "I know! The St. Louis Marathon was way hillier than expected!" But, coolest of all, it meets early in the morning on weekends, so make sure to let everyone at the bar know why you are heading home early. "Hey! I'd like to see you do a 13-miler hungover! No thanks!"
Marathonites, in all seriousness, if you have these weird groups to go talk about running with, why do you have tell the rest of us in grave detail about your training for the ultimate race? I don't tell you about my fantasy football team because nobody besides me and the guys in my league give a sh*t. Same thing goes for running and your running group.
3. Super Sensitive: Marathonites are a sensitive group, as noted by the plethora of hate mail I received after the last post. You cannot poke fun at marathons or marathon related activities. This is a super serious hobby. And we all must take it super serious or we are super big jerk-faces. Make a few jokes at their expense, and they will unite and come at you hard enough to make the Tea Party blush.
2. Runner Watches: This watch, unlike other watches, can keep track of time. And to have this superpower, it has to be big, rubber, a bright color, and have a huge Nike Swoosh sign on it. That's the only way its super time tracking mechanisms can work. It's complicated.
1. Bringing Chicago to a Standstill on Marathon day: Since marathons are incredibly boring (and outside of family-support or a passion for sign making, nobody would ever willingly watch them) marathonites opt to shut down 90% of roads on marathon day so you cannot go anywhere and are forced to watch. Hey, marathon runners, it's cool. Nobody else had anything to do today outside of watching you jog for 4-hours and compliment you afterwards. Don't sweat it.