10. What do I want more: my fantasy team to win or my real team to win? I am a Bears fan and I have Matt Forte on my team. So I get both angry and happy when Jay Cutler throws a touchdown pass to Johnny Knox instead of Forte. I look like I have Tourrette’s as I celebrate while yelling "F*ck" at the same time.
9. If I hate the kick-off rule so much, why am I still watching every kick-off? Has the NFL become as smart as a hot girl? Hot girls know that bros much prefer not using condoms, but they will use them over not doing it if you force their hand. So we are still going to watch every kick-off, but like no-condom doing it, we are going to complain about how much better the alternative is.
8. What's more important: my job or my fantasy team? Dumb question: fantasy team. My friends can't see how good I am at my job.
7. If I'm a Jew, can I still like Tim Tebow? I know I can never introduce him to my grandparents, but how much longer can they possibly live for...
6. Is Kyle Orton a Jew? Because the Christian Right sure hates him like he is.
5. Why don't any good wide receivers have reality shows? Ochocinco, Terrell Owens, and Hank Bassett all have reality TV shows, and T.O and Baskett aren't even good enough to be on a NFL roster. Ochocinco hasn’t been good since 2009. Can't we get Dez Bryant or Brandon Marshall a show? Those guys also behave like reality stars, AND can catch a spiral.
4. Is this bar really dedicating one of its TVs to a f#cking Cubs game? Nobody cares about the Sox or Cubs right now, but everyone cares about their fantasy team. If you do care, stay home you selfish dick.
3. How do I explain to my dog that I drafted Michael Vick? Spot, I am sorry. He fell to the 15th pick! I couldn't let the #1 fantasy player slide any further. I promise I won't use the vacuum cleaner for a week. Stop looking at me like that.... You know what, I'm not sorry! He served his time! He paid his debt to society! He can't change the past! He's not Doc Brown!
2. How do I tell my landlord I can't make rent because my bookie is scarier than he is? Look, man, legally, it's gonna take you months to evict me, and he was going to break my arm today.
1. How can Jay Cutler only get bad haircuts? Hey, we've all had a bad haircut or hairstyle in our day. It happens to the best of us. It even happened to Tom Brady during his Justin Bieber phase. But, Jay, seriously, it's time for a new barber and a new look.
Filed under: Uncategorized