Back in the old days of Rivalfish, I used to do a weekly piece called "Ladies Love Obscure Rivalries". It tackled ground breaking topics such as: "College vs. The Real World", "Ultimate Frisbee vs. Hacky Sack" and "Baseball Players vs. Water Coolers." You can't see any of these old Hemingway-esque pieces because National Lampoon bought our site and immediately shut it down. Thanks again, Van Wilder.
Anyway, we are bringing back the obscure rivalries, but in the context of Summer's Last Stand, North Coast Music Festival. So here are the 5 rivalries to watch-out for at North Coast.
5. David Guetta vs. Wiz Khalifa: These two dudes will be headlining on opposite stages on the same night. Who will draw the bigger crowd? I guess that depends on how many of their fans show up Friday night (single-day tickets for Friday are still available for only $50 - shameless plug). Is there any way we can get Wiz to change "Black & Yellow" to "Blue & Orange" to get us pumped up for Bears season? Would that win him the majority of the crowd? Do North Coast fans even watch the NFL? Or are their ironic 1990s NBA jerseys their only connection to the sports world? (See, that Golden State Warriors Latrell Sprewell Jersey is funny because he got kicked off the team for choking his coach.... Nevermind, you conformists wouldn't get it.) What if Guetta promised to cut his Olsen Twins-themed haircut? Would that increase his attendance? All of these tough questions will be answered at North Coast, and you can help answer them by buying your single-day ticket and showing up Friday night.
4. Michael Harrison Berg vs. Eddie Vedder: Hey, Vedder, playing in a Labor Day Weekend concert festival that you are also throwing has already been done by North Coast co-founder and Van Ghost frontman, Mike "Puffy of the Jamband scene" Berg. So, I guess you can go to Pearl Jam fest instead of North Coast if you are a sell-out and endorse the big-guy stealing the ideas of the little-guy. Your call.
2. Electornica fans vs. Dubstep fans: Think it's one and the same? Think again. The electronica fans will be the guys in ironic 1990s NBA Jersey or high school lacrosse jerseys standing with a group of hot, young chicks, and the dubstep fans will be the guys with weird facial piercings, intense haircuts, and rocking an overall "I hate my dad" look... They'll be standing with one lone, unattractive girl.
1. The Fence vs. Fence Jumpers: Hey fence jumpers, if you love North Coast as much as you claim to, then how about you pay for it so it will actually be around for years to come. Dicks. Is there anything more annoying than a kid from Winnetka hopping the fence to see a concert for free just because they think it is edgy and cool. It's not. Go ask your dad for another $50. He's already bought you a Prius, another $50 won't push him over the edge.
Disclaimer: One of the partners of North Coast Music Festival is also a blogger for Lists That Actually Matter.